New Scottish Labour leader also made Tory leader

THE newly elected leader of Scottish Labour has also been named as leader of the Scottish Conservatives.

Tory chairman Grant Shapps, who appointed Jim Murphy, said that both jobs can easily be done by one man to save everyone money: “We’ve only got two or three Tory MPs up there, as far as I can recall, and they’re in until May at best so it’s not worth having our own man.

“It’ll be no trouble for Jim to pop across party lines and make sure they’re not getting into any trouble. If anything it’ll give him something to do.”

Murphy said: “It’s not that I mind doing it but they could have asked first.

“I suppose one more MP to feed, house and make sure they do their dirty business nowhere near the newspapers isn’t going to make much difference.

“At least this one’s pedigree. Some of mine bite.”

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Leaked Hollywood emails reveal kindness, humility and concern for fellow man

HACKED Sony Pictures emails have revealed that film industry executive are highly worthwhile humans.

In a leaked exchange, studio boss Stephen Malley said: “We need a continued focus on artistic integrity, even at the expense of profit. Let’s stop doing superhero movies and anything that sexually objectifies women.”

His colleague Susan Traherne replied: “Yes absolutely. Also we must never do any more emotionally-empty celebrity vehicles.

“Of course I’ve told our celebrities that, rather than slagging them off behind their backs while being sickeningly nice to them at awards ceremonies. Which obviously we would never do because we work in the film industry and that is not how we roll.”

Malley replied: “Absolutely. And we must give all our money to disabled children”

He added: “Angelina Jolie is nice, isn’t she?”

Traherne replied: “Yes she is very nice.”