We ask you: how are you celebrating raw sewage spills doubling in a year?

BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them? 

Steve Malley, gardener: “I’ll be taking the kids down to the seaside this weekend for an Easter shite-shoot. It’s like clay pigeon shooting, but more earthy and real.”

Josh Gardner, social media manager: “Somebody had to stop the liberal elite craze for wild swimming. I applaud the water companies for stepping up.”

Joanna Kramer, percussionist: “If processed food is bad, so are processed turds. That’s logic.”

Frankie Johnson, teacher: “Back in the day, British seas and rivers were alive with fresh human shit. We also had a globe-spanning empire. Coincidence?”

Nikki Hollis, investment analyst: “Look, I share everyone’s jubilation. I just worry that they’re going to use this as an excuse to charge us more.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose

A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged.

32-year-old Tom Booker still assumed that children were a drunken mistake resulting from a split condom, and not the intentional next step for his friends in happy long-term relationships and marriages.

He said: “When did the rules change? I could’ve sworn all of my mates were going to great lengths to deliberately stop this exact thing from happening only yesterday.

“I thought we all agreed that babies were unaffordable, noisy, smelly, and would put an end to our freewheeling bachelor lifestyles. Why would those pussy-whipped cucks want to throw away a sweet life of late-night gaming sessions for the ordeal of parenthood?

“There’s literally nothing in it for them. Except for emotional fulfilment, a broader understanding of the human experience, and the achievement of an actual desire. Besides all that it’s a dumb move if you ask me.”

Booker’s friend and father-to-be Martin Bishop said: “Our friendship group secretly judges Tom like he’s a teenage mum. He’s throwing his life away by not having kids by now.

“Why can’t he go out, meet someone he’s prepared to raise a child with, and get them knocked up already? It’s not like he has to take any precautions.”