What to do in a flood, like I give a shit. By Thérèse Coffey

STORM Ciarán is set to batter the UK, and as environment secretary I simply could not care less. Here’s my advice, but frankly it’s your problem so piss off:

Move valuable items upstairs

The government has no interest in dredging clogged rivers or keeping drains in decent repair, so put paintings, first edition books, wine collections etc upstairs. Making contingency plans for regular-as-clockwork floods bores us. Put board games and a bucket in the loft, you could be there a while.

Take personal responsibility

This is our last government. We’ve got better things to do than wipe your arses, so if you need rescuing from floods, bloody well build a boat yourself. Noah did and so would I, despite resembling a crabby baby who’s been gorging Cow & Gate for five decades.

Drown some of your chav brood

Tracksuited children hanging round council estates, waiting until they’re old enough to claim benefits, are surplus. Rampant floodwaters will dispose of them. Bait them into a sack with nitrous oxide whippets, weight it with bricks, tie the top securely and let the floodwater do its Malthusian work.

Watch the news

As in GB. They’ll have sensible advice, like ‘this isn’t happening’. For the real news I might deign to journey from London to your waterlogged constituency to drum up a few votes. My clueless, empathy-free visit will be as welcome as a flotilla of turds, but I eschew any form of self-awareness. Vote Tory.

Protect your home with sandbags

Like in the war years. Sandbags can’t waterproof an average home against four feet of dirty water. However filling pillowcases with sand or soil is a much-needed taste of honest graft, which will be a novelty for bone-idle Brits who never lift anything heavier than a marijuana cigarette.

Don’t waste police time

Whether your local coppers are woke nancies arresting people for using the wrong pronoun, Hamas sympathisers, or brave heroes who occasionally suffer olfactory hallucinations of marijuana around black athletes, don’t call them. They’re busy.

Don’t buy a house on a flood plain

Easier said than done, because I favour scrapping all planning laws so developers can drop tiny, jerrybuilt starter homes costing £300k randomly from aircraft, but nonetheless. If yours is in a river, grow turnips. They’ll soak the water up.

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