Woman looking for new plant to kill

A WOMAN is strolling over to the flower market to select which plant will spend the next month slowly dying in her flat.

Emma Bradford has been deciding all week on the perfect gorgeous and exotic new plant to forget to open the curtains for five days a week.

She said: “I do like orchids and I’m sure they’re easy to look after. They’re a hardy perennial, I’m sure.

“Or I could get a succulent this time around. They survive in deserts, so the agony will be prolonged at least until Christmas.

“Who knew it was so easy to kill a plant? It was kind of sad the first time, but now I get a thrill from watching them slowly waste away while I thrive. It makes me feel powerful.

“I’ve got my eye on a bonsai Japanese maple. Its death will make me feel like a cold, sadistic giant.”

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Five ways to get some sleep while looking after toddlers

Falling asleep while looking after small children is challenging, but not impossible, here’s how:

Traffic lights
With the kids belted in and the lights at red, you can enjoy thirty seconds to two minutes of solid nap. Wake softly to the sounds of chirping car horns or the driver behind you suddenly outside your window, calling you an arsehole.

Soft play
While your kids run wild in a cage, head for the furthest, darkest corner of the soft play where the strong smell of urine puts off everyone else and drift off to dreamland.

Coffee shop
Meet a friend with small children, order a decaf, keep your shades on and then ask them: “Is your partner helping out much?” By the time they’ve finished moaning you’ve bagged an hour’s kip.

Bed shop
Tell the shop assistant you want the most expensive bed but you need to test it and ask them to keep an eye out. Then take a nice twenty while the shop assistant tries to lure your brats out of the window display.

During Frozen
A Disney film is prime sleeping real estate. Side effects include kids repeatedly singing songs so annoyingly that you will eventually have a nervous breakdown.