World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

The symbolic clock, which shows how close the human race is to Armageddon, has been completely ignored by a slumbering world population since scientists introduced it in 1947.

Joanna Kramer of Norwich said: “It’s always like beep beep beep, time to get up, humanity is about to render the earth uninhabitable for millennia to come just when you’re in the middle of a lovely dream.

“Three minutes is ages when you’re dozing. Whenever I open my eyes it hasn’t moved on at all, unless I’m just imagining that I’m opening my eyes.

“These scientists probably set it five minutes fast. I’m sure I’ll wake up in plenty of time to put the brakes on global warming, defuse global tensions and still catch my bus.”

The clock is the closest it has been to midnight since 1987, the height of the Cold War, when a pillow was placed over it and the world’s population slept until six seconds before nuclear war.

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Tutankhamun’s beard actually a chair leg

THE facial appendage on Tutankhamun’s burial mask is a hastily-attached chair leg, it has emerged.

A spokesman for the Egyptian Museum in Cairo said: “To be honest the original beard got snapped off where some of the curators were enjoying a game of indoor football. As you can imagine we were all like, ‘Noooooo’.

“The beard rolled under a sarcophagus and would have been a lot of hassle to recover.

“After an exhaustive ten-minute search we found a nearby chair whose legs had a vaguely beard-esque look. Few blobs of Bostick, job done.

“We think it looks pretty good. Sometimes people can be too precious about these priceless art treasures.”