48-year-old realises he can no longer manage full cooked breakfast

A MIDDLE-AGED man has realised that he can no longer make it more than two-thirds through a cooked breakfast. 

Joe Turner of Northampton admitted that the Full English is a young man’s game and that he does not know how he managed it all those years.

He said: “I ordered one on autopilot. Even as I said the words my stomach lurched, remembering the last time. And then it arrived and just looked at me.

“Black pudding, beans, sausages, the lot, all sitting there in a pool of grease like a post-pissup treat unconvincingly trying to pass itself off as a breakfast.

“It stared at me with its fried egg eyes and its bacon smile and said ‘Come on. You’re getting old. You go to the gym. You don’t have to do this kind of shit to yourself any more.’

“My manhood challenged, I made it through a slice of bread and a burnt sausage before I pushed it away. Why did I? Why would anyone?

“Then I ordered a croissant.”