48-year-old realises he can no longer manage full cooked breakfast

A MIDDLE-AGED man has realised that he can no longer make it more than two-thirds through a cooked breakfast. 

Joe Turner of Northampton admitted that the Full English is a young man’s game and that he does not know how he managed it all those years.

He said: “I ordered one on autopilot. Even as I said the words my stomach lurched, remembering the last time. And then it arrived and just looked at me.

“Black pudding, beans, sausages, the lot, all sitting there in a pool of grease like a post-pissup treat unconvincingly trying to pass itself off as a breakfast.

“It stared at me with its fried egg eyes and its bacon smile and said ‘Come on. You’re getting old. You go to the gym. You don’t have to do this kind of shit to yourself any more.’

“My manhood challenged, I made it through a slice of bread and a burnt sausage before I pushed it away. Why did I? Why would anyone?

“Then I ordered a croissant.”

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Man always cries at bit in Die Hard where cop rediscovers the magic of killing

A MAN has admitted he always cries at Die Hard when the black cop who was afraid to draw his gun rediscovers the magic of killing. 

Nathan Muir, who lists the 1988 action movie as his all-time favourite Christmas film, says that however prepared he tried to be for the heart-warming scene he always ends up in absolute floods.

He continued: “It’s so emotional anyway, what with McClane getting that machine gun and blowing up the lift-shaft. Oh and I suppose he gets back with his wife.

“But there’s this wonderful subplot about Powell, the sad cop who can’t work the streets anymore after he accidentally killed a kid even though it sounds like it was totally the kid’s fault.

“Anyway, right at the end after Hans Gruber’s fallen to his death they’re all outside celebrating when suddenly Karl, the terrorist with the Michael Bolton hair, bursts out alive and ready for vengeance.

“But at that very moment he’s shot dead, like five times, and everyone looks round and it’s the cop because McClane’s inspiring example has given him the strength to kill again.

“Such a life-affirming moment. That’s the real meaning of Christmas, right there.”