A guide to McDonald's for Rutland residents

THE county of Rutland is the last in the UK to get a McDonald’s, but are its residents ready? Fit in with this guide to the New World fine dining experience: 

Make a reservation

One cannot simply turn up at a McDonald’s restaurant and expect a table. Call at least two months in advance to make a reservation for yourself and your companion. If they laugh, call back claiming to be a celebrity like Charlize Theron.

Dress formally

The maître d’ of McDonald’s is known for his sneering putdowns and refusal to admit anyone who does not meet his sartorial standards. Men should wear black tie and women should wear ballgowns with no bag larger than a clutch.


McDonald’s restaurants are not licensed so patrons should feel free to bring their own alcohol along. It’s up to you whether you try and outshine other customers with a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982, or go for elegant simplicity with a crate of Red Stripe.

Try the specials

Every gastronome knows the standard McDonald’s menu by heart, but the limited-edition specials are for the truly discerning. One day, you’ll tell your grandchildren about the day you dined on a Spicy Chicken McNuggets sharebox, the taste sensation that has never truly left you.

Knee somebody in the face

Dining late? A side order of violence will add extra savour to your Big Tasty with Bacon. Choose someone whose face offends you, deliver a heartfelt knee to the nose and then leave. McDonald’s seats are all wipe-clean, unlike at The Ivy.

Always tip

Your name will be mud if you commit the dreadful faux pas of failing to tip your waitress at least 20 per cent. If service has been especially good, you can award them an extra star by commanding them to kneel and saying ‘By the authority of Mayor McCheese, I grant you a star’.

Never take children

McDonald’s is a restaurant for sophisticated adults with cultured palates, not snotty children. Happy Meals are for collectors and connoisseurs.

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The five types of twat who'll pay for Big Ben to bong for Brexit

BIG BEN bonging for Brexit is the worst charitable cause since a druggie with a stolen charity tin rattled it around the local, but the cretins who support it live among us. 

Twats who believe tax is theft

Anyone who looks at their wageslip and thinks ‘That’s not fair. I shouldn’t be paying for the A470 when I hardly use it’ will happily throw cash at an inane and pointless cause like reinstalling a big clapper back in a massive clock for a single day. Because they’re twats.

Twats who still wish the national anthem was played on telly

In the mists of history, TV finished for the day with God Save The Queen. And some mad twats believe that on the final bong of Brexit Eve the UK will become a sepia-toned wonderland of spitfires and spam on toast where it’s okay to call a dog the N-word, like in The Dam Busters.

Twats who would never spare a quid for a homeless person

Those who walk past the homeless outside the Waitrose where they’ve just spent £97 on goose fat and Burgundy will suddenly find lots of spare cash in their pockets for this type of twattery.

Perpetually angry little twats like MP Mark Francois

The people who blame everything that’s wrong about their lives on Europeans, gays, women and Meghan Markle, rather than blaming the twat in the mirror. They’re not necessarily male twats either. Anne Widdecombe’s one.

Nigel Farage

Will put in one per cent of his £153k MEP redundancy payment on condition he is allowed to strike the bell himself with a good solid Sheffield steel sledgehammer. Will f**k up and break the bell.