Arsehole calls cheese sandwich his 'lunch game'

AN unbearable man is referring to his hastily thrown together middle of the day meal as his ‘lunch game’.

Jack Browne enjoys talking up all the mundane parts of his life, from the ‘RSI-destroying set-up’ in the spare room where he works, to the strength of his immune system thanks to his ‘elite cold water shock therapy’ morning showers.

Browne said: “I like to keep on top of my lunch game, whether it’s throwing in some new pickle or surprising myself with a smear of hot sauce. The way I play the lunch game, it’s never just a cheese sandwich.

“Working from home is no excuse not to be a total player when it comes to supercharging my nutritional intake, and innovation is at the heart of everything I do.”

Browne’s colleague, Lauren Hewitt, commented: “I’ve never known anyone get so much mileage from talking about cheddar. I think he misses boring people about his lunch in the office.

“Why can’t he do what every other twat does and set up an Instagram where he can talk about everything he shoves in his gob to people who give a shit?”

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Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?

PLANNING to get fit in 2021? Take our quiz to find out which type of exercise arsehole you should be.

You’re approaching some traffic lights. Do you:
A. Stop and wait to cross.
B. Speed up and shout abuse at drivers who have the cheek to expect you to follow the Green Cross Code. You’re on for a personal best.
C. Go straight through them on red. The rules of the road don’t apply to the likes of you.

You’re exercising in the park and a dog walker is in front of you. Do you:
A. Politely say ‘Excuse me’.
B. Give them absolutely no warning then yell at them when they don’t immediately get out of your way.
C. Wait until you are right behind them before ringing your bell and watch as they jump into a hedge in surprise.

You decide to head out on your favourite route but it’s dark. What sort of lights do you use?
A. A torch.
B. A bright, 100-watt head torch that constantly flashes. There’s no point going to the trouble of exercising at night if no one knows you’re doing it.
C. What are lights?

Your colleagues ask you what you got up to at the weekend. Do you:
A. Tell them about the film you watched.
B. Go into great detail about the new anti-chafing nipple tape you tried out. They’ll definitely be interested.
C. Whine about the number of pedestrians who wouldn’t get out of your way when you were riding on the pavement.

It’s time to choose where to go on the family holiday. Do you pick:
A. A child-friendly resort in Mallorca.
B. Philadelphia. You can take a selfie after running up the Rocky Steps. No one else has ever thought of doing that.
C. Some remote hilly village in the Alps. There’s bugger all for the kids to do but who cares when you can pretend you’re on the Tour de France?

ANSWERS:
Mostly As.
You’re clearly not cut out for exercise and therefore not an arsehole. Well done.
Mostly Bs. Make sure Strava is set to tediously share all your routes on Facebook as you’re going to be a runner.
Mostly Cs. Get some Lycra that’s two sizes too small because you’re going to be a cyclist. No helmet though – you’re not a fireman.