Britain demands more meals you don't have to pay for if you eat all of it

THE UK has demanded that all cafes and restaurants should have one menu item which is free if consumed in a single sitting.

Britons believe that every dining establishment should adhere to the rule of the greasy spoon mega-breakfast and provide a single option which both challenges and rewards the greedy patron.

Martin Bishop, a noted eater of food, said: “Why doesn’t the Ivy have a gutbuster bucket? With their prices it could be a real life-saver.

“The wife and I like to go to a little trattoria around the corner for special occasions, but I think it’d be even more special if I could eat six pounds of the calabrese pasta, pull up my shirt, rest both hands on my swollen belly, burp sonorously, then walk out without paying.

“Imagine what an honour it’d be to have your photo on the wall of The Fat Duck, bloated with a bucket of snail porridge, Heston feigning astonishment next to you. So proud, and £350 up.”

A McDonald’s spokesman said: “If you eat twice your own weight of our food in an hour, you don’t pay! Because you’ve died.”

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How to feel betrayed by everything

WHY stop at politicians and Brexit? Betrayal is everywhere, everyone is a backstabber, and your only hope is to be hysterical about it. Here’s how to be double-crossed by everything: 

Inanimate objects are traitors too 

The toaster didn’t burn your crumpet on purpose, because such ideas are not real. However, work up a head of steam for the day by calling it a ‘spineless breakfast Quisling’ and chucking it into the back garden.

Accuse your family of treason

Did your kids say they’d put their school shoes on five minutes ago but are still slumped in front of the telly watching Paw Patrol? Tell them they’re fifth columnists undermining the system from the inside.

Get apoplectic over lunch

Is the tomato missing from your lunchtime BLT sandwich? Furiously accuse it of breaking its promises and tell it that prison is too good for it in front of the whole canteen.

Frighten strangers

The old lady in the corner shop probably didn’t mean to short-change you, but rather than giving her the benefit of the doubt accuse her of being a perfidious and corrupt member of the capitalist elite. Add in ‘saboteur’ for good measure, even though it doesn’t make any sense.

Give the cat absolute hell

You want to go to bed, but the cat can’t decide if it wants to be inside or outside. While this is annoying, calling it a ‘treacherous Judas who deserves to be hanged’ will send you to bed good and furious. And tomorrow’s another big day.