Cake for breakfast is fine, say experts

EXPERTS have confirmed that eating cake for breakfast is absolutely fine and should be encouraged. 

Nutritionists have agreed that with so many existing norms already overturned in 2020, it is past time to reject the outmoded idea that cake is unsuitable to be the first meal of the day.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Your taste buds are at their most receptive to new flavours as you wake up. So we recommend a caramel sponge or a big slice of yesterday’s lemon drizzle cake.

“Cake for breakfast is especially okay if the cake is buttery or fruity. This makes it almost identical to toast with jam, only set apart by minor details like shape, consistency and swathes of buttercream icing.

“A blueberry muffin is pretty much exactly the same as blueberries on top of some granola. Have it with a bit of yoghurt and it probably counts as healthy.

“Chocolate cake is borderline. It’s officially fine, of course, but it’s somehow a bit slutty. Maybe only do it if you’re not in company. Plus that way you won’t have to share it.”

But 47-year-old Tom Booker said: “This is just biased advice aimed at fat women. Cake for breakfast’s unhealthy. You should have loads of fried meat.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Places to visit in the UK this weekend that won't be full of turds and litter

FANCY a weekend jaunt where you won’t have to sit near a human turd or a mountain of empty two-litre cider bottles? Try these spots.

A deserted car park

Spreading a blanket out on hot, shadeless tarmac might not sound very pleasant, but at least you won’t be sharing it with 10,000 other people so desperate to have a nice time they’ll punch you in the face over two square metres of sand if they have to.

Tesco Extra

If you fancy a bit of peace and quiet, a slow, meditative shop around one of these cavernous spaces will be an almost religious experience, thanks to it being nearly empty due to social distancing. You can also linger in the refrigerated meat aisle if you get too hot.

An empty field

An empty field sounds boring compared to the charms of a seaside town, until you remember that all the shops, pubs, cafes and toilets are closed. All the beach has really got going for it is the sea, and that’s rammed with twats on lilos, so why not lie down in a nice empty field instead?

A friend’s garden

Going to a friend’s house for the first time in months should be novel enough to rival a trip to the beach. Getting badly sunburned, horribly drunk and sitting dangerously close to a barbecue will make it a true British summertime experience.

Your house

The best thing is just not to go out at all. Hopefully your house isn’t full of turds and litter, but even if it is, at least you know who it belongs to and where it came from.