Can you buy a f**king cucumber? A choose-your-own post-Brexit adventure

YOU need a bit of salad to make your meals less carb-intensive, but can you find a cucumber f**king anywhere? Try your luck with our interactive game: 

1. You note that the vegetable drawer in your fridge is empty, and boldy decide to venture out and purchase some greens. To visit Sainsbury’s, go to 2 or to visit Tesco, go to 3.

2. You enter Sainsbury’s only to be confronted with shelf after shelf of empty green crates, as if stripped bare by a plague of rabbits. Deciding that is typical of their middle-class clientele, you head to Tesco. Go to 3.

3. The fresh section of your local Tesco Extra is denuded of all vegetables like a Soviet shop in 1975. Blaming panic buyers, you assure yourself it can’t be like this everywhere. To visit Morrisons go to 4, or to pop into Asda go to 5.

4. Oddly, despite Morrisons being largely frequented by Northerners, there are no cucumbers, courgettes, or any other vegetables there either. Must have been raided by militant vegans. Surely there’ll be some at Asda. Go to 5.

5. Even Asda, whose shoppers are only familiar with a single vegetable and that in chopped, fried and frozen form, does not have any cucumbers. It’s getting weird now. To nip to the Co-op, go to 6. To try your local corner shop, go to 7.

6. You should have tried the Co-op to begin with, you think as you enter, because its shoppers only buy booze and fags so they’ll have loads of cucumbers. They don’t have any. How can this be? In desperation you run to the corner shop. Go to 7.

7. The smiling proprietor of your local shop, who never lets you down and can provide turkey basters on Christmas Day, explains there are no cucumbers, that no suppliers can provide them, and that the earliest you can expect to see one is May. Go to 8.

8. Returning home, you sit down to a meal without sliced cucumber, leading inevitably to high cholesterol, blocked arteries and an early death. No politician has anything to say about this so it can’t be Brexit’s fault. Maybe they never existed?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A dad's guide to the most erotic high street shops

HIGH streets are hotbeds of X-rated raunchy filth if you know where to look. Father-of-two Bill McKay takes you on a guided tour of the smut they contain.


A lingerie shop which caters to the larger-chested lady, which explains why I always slow down and let out a sigh as I walk past the display window. However, their bras cost a pretty penny due to all the extra fabric and underwiring, so I don’t draw the wife’s attention to it in case she wants to go in.

Ann Summers

The pedestrian end of the sex shop spectrum, but not without its delights. And seeing as they’re so normalised on our nation’s high streets, you’re free to openly gawp at the raunchy products in the window without fear of recrimination from fellow shoppers. Don’t step inside though, everyone in there is so young you’ll feel like a repulsive fossil and have to pretend you thought it was a Halfords.

Boux Avenue

This one’s owned by that Theo whatshisface who used to be on Dragons’ Den, but try not to think about him as you ogle the mannequins or it’ll disturb your sex drive. The last thing you want to imagine is that house elf-like presenter skittering around in a lacy bra with matching pants. Oh, too late, sorry.

Pour Moi

Pour Moi doesn’t have as many outlets as the other brands, but if you pack some sandwiches you can make a nice day trip out of visiting one of their shops. Fob the kids off with some bullshit about going to Ryman’s, then sneak off for a good hour of gazing longingly at their beautiful lingerie, swimwear and comfy nightwear. Phwoar.

Mountain Warehouse

The thinking man’s erotic fantasy. Other shops might dazzle you with their cheap thrills, but what could be hotter than eyeing up a female shop window dummy with a bamboo loungewear T-shirt stretched across its chest? That thing’s practical, stylish and sustainable. I’m pitching a tent just thinking about it.