Cartoon baker sure pie cooling on windowsill will be fine

A CARTOON baker is confident that nothing will happen to the freshly-baked pie he has placed by an open window to cool. 

Speaking from his kitchen, ruddy-cheeked pastry chef Norman Steele confirmed that nothing untoward was likely to happen to the pie even though its scent was drifting past several hungry dogs, cats, and gangs of loveable urchins.

He added: “What could possibly go wrong?

“There’s no reason to believe, for example, that a nearby dog will be so entranced by the scent that he will start levitating and float toward the source.

“Or indeed that hungry children will construct an unlikely remote-grabbing device using gloves and a pair of telescopic arms. That’s simply not realistic.

“No, I stand here, rolling pin in hand, absolutely sure I won’t shortly be running outside brandishing it in my apron, red-faced, as the pie is snatched away from me. You just watch.”

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How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise

EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.

Try these ways of incorporating it into your daily life without even noticing:

Anger a big dog

Why run, if there’s nothing to run from? Give yourself motivation by poking a big, aggressive dog with a stick then sprinting desperately away from its relentless jaws.

Walk to a distant pub

Health experts suggest getting off the bus a stop early, but experts in human nature suggest making a more distant pub into your weeknight local. Even better, arriving with your heart pumping away will really send that first pint to your head.

Become a passive-aggressive domestic martyr

Household chores count as exercise, and if you approach them with a sanctimonious attitude full of unspoken resentment you’ll find your pulse racing just watching your partner leave a mug unwashed. And creates a lovely toxic atmosphere.

Take drugs and go clubbing

Neck a couple of dubious pills and go out. Eight hours off your face on a dance floor will cover your recommended 10,000 daily steps for about three weeks, and you won’t be able to eat until at least Tuesday.