Crisp sandwiches and other meals that aren't anything to be proud of

PEOPLE rave about crisp sandwiches and other stupid food concoctions. If that’s you, here are some to stop wanking on about and eat a normal grown-up meal instead.

Crisp sandwiches

Isn’t it hilarious that you love this kiddie foodstuff? No. They taste crap and it’s basically playing with your food like a child. It also suggests a need for attention and has a weird element of inverse snobbery: ‘I don’t need your posh, clever-clever sandwich fillings like ham’. Remarkably, the humble crisp sandwich proves you’re a twat on four different levels.

Munchie boxes

A pizza box full of fast food. Nothing wrong with fast food per se, it’s the fact that the selling points are enormous quantity and extreme cheapness. If your definition of eating well is gorging until you’re f**king stuffed, next time you go to an Indian restaurant save yourself a fortune and order ten servings of boiled rice.

Fish fingers, beans and chips

Another regression to childhood. Has a certain value as comfort food – or a zero-effort hot meal if you’re extremely hungover or lazy – but in truth it’s pretty boring. If you’re this obsessed with nostalgic food, just tuck into some jars of Cow & Gate. And maybe wear a nappy for the ultimate luxury of shitting yourself in front of the TV.

Deep-fried chip butty 

Misses the point of eating protein with starch or salad to balance and thus improve both ingredients. It’s like having a duck breast wrapped in bacon between two sirloin steaks – too much for any meat eater, except possibly a leopard. Popular in the North, so if crisp sandwiches are inverse snobbery, deep-fried chip butties are having a massive chip on your shoulder about being from Doncaster.

Kebab meat in a roll

Sad because it implies an actual doner kebab is too exotic for your tastes. Invariably comes in a squishy white roll with chips and probably ketchup. Your aversion to salad suggests you are one of those melodramatic picky eaters who claims you can’t eat fresh fruit without throwing up.

Eating a large bag of Haribo 

Yeah yeah, Haribo are quite tasty, but think back to an earlier occasion when you ate just sweets and felt nauseous and somewhat ashamed and your teeth were covered in fur. That’s called ‘predicting events’. It’s what very small children and the lower animals can’t do. You have failed to evolve from a goldfish who eats flakes of fish food until its guts pop.

Mash in a pot

If you’ve not encountered this it’s just-add-boiling-water instant mash, possibly with chicken flavouring, marketed as a snack for busy people. The pathetic thing is that almost any superior snack – eg. cheese on toast – is just as quick. And trust us, workaholic currency traders do NOT eat this Poundland pleb shite for lunch.

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Have you considered already being extremely rich? By Rishi Sunak

WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.

Hi folks, Rishi here. You probably remember me from Eat Out To Help Out and that period in the pandemic when the press sucked my dick. Well, times have changed and now everyone is sad about money. But I ask you: have you thought about just being f**king loaded?

There are so many benefits to being flush with cash. You don’t have to worry about the price of your meals, and reading your energy meter won’t cause you to have a heart attack. Being rich is such an obvious solution I’m surprised more people aren’t doing it.

Layabouts and arts graduates say it’s too difficult to get rich, although I say they’re not trying hard enough. I know I made it look easy by working as a hedge fund manager then marrying a billionaire, but if you worked another job at night instead of sleeping you’d be raking it in too.

Make hay while the sun shines, that’s what I say. Because the economy isn’t going to get better any time soon, not while I’m in charge. Energy companies are essentially my god, and it’s important we pay tribute to them with eye-watering sums of money every month lest they smite us.

Anyway, that’s all the advice I’ve got. I can’t afford to bankroll you parasites again so take it or leave it. If you’re not earning at least £80K by June we will consider deporting you, so get a shift on. Hope that helps!