Deliveroo man can no longer hide his contempt for your lifestyle

A DELIVEROO driver who has visited one address several times over the past week is no longer bothering to conceal his disgust.

Jordan Gardner, who has driven for the meal delivery service for four years, has never seen such a sad example of blatant laziness and excessive spending on ridiculously overpriced takeaway meals.

Gardner said: “I’ve delivered to some idle f**kers, but this guy takes the biscuit. You’d think eating Nando’s for 14 days in a row would make you feel so depressed that you’d consider investing in a microwave, but apparently not.

“I started to think he might be acting out some sort of delivery man-based sex fantasy, but he’s just incapable of cooking a single meal.”

Resident Jack Browne said: “I haven’t noticed the delivery guy looking any more contemptuous than usual. Although I do try to avoid their eyes.

“When you’ve just spent £20 on a single sandwich and can of Coke you can’t really carry any more self-loathing.”


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Sick freak keeps car and house keys on same ring

A PERVERTED anarchist monster who recognises no authority has outraged society by keeping their car and house keys on a single keyring. 

Nikki Hollis refuses to observe the sacred convention that house and car keys must be kept separate and instead attaches them to a single ring, which she sacrilegiously calls ‘the keys’.

Friend Tom Logan said: “It makes my skin crawl when she clatters them on a table, all intermingled in defiance of every rule that holds civilisation together.

“Imagine driving along with your house keys dangling from the ignition, all clinking together. I couldn’t bear it. I’d end it all by driving full speed into a tree.

“And what happens when you lose the house keys? You also lose the car keys, and vice versa. So you’re losing them twice as much. Also it’s morally repugnant and she should be hanged as a witch.”

Hollis said: “I don’t see what their problem is. Also I hate this world and just want to see it burn.”