CHRISTMAS Day isn’t about joy and merriment for your body. It’s a punishing marathon of overindulgence it barely survives. Here’s what it goes through:
6am: Sugar high
Woken by kids at 5am, you’re eating Celebrations within the hour to sum up the necessary energy to pretend you’re delighted by items from your Amazon wishlist.
7.30am: Sugar slump
The crash has hit and you’re greying out in front of a Julia Donaldson animation. Get alcohol.
Running on nervous energy, cracking a bottle has given you the lift needed to start cooking. It goes straight to your head and you’re singing along to Chris Rea.
The cooking is in full flow. You’re on a boozy high and smashing the shit out of Christmas. You’re a legend.
By now your hangover is kicking in. Dinner’s is under control, the kids are busy, and you’re feeling rank. You take your phone to the loo and fall asleep.
Waking up when your phone hits the floor, you need bacon. But you’re not allowed any pigs-in-blankets. Devour some anyway and get bollocked for doing so.
Burping and guilty, you sit down for a brief respite just as your family arrive. Time to start drinking again.
As you sit down for Christmas dinner you’re exhausted, drunk-yet-hungover, nauseous, bloated-yet-hungry, your heart rate is through the roof and every time you blink, you sleep. Time to stuff your face.
2pm: Meat sweats
Now face the consequences. Your cracker hat is dissolving from sweat, you look like Stilton, and you’ve had to take off your Fitbit because it thinks you’re having a stroke.
Muscle spasms and heartburn could be interpreted as a signal to stop eating Christmas pudding. Ignore them.
4.30pm: Drunk sugar high
As you play boardgames you’re consuming more alcohol, biscuits, and chocolates than would seem possible. Your sugar rush and encroaching drunkeness are perfectly in sync.
Your family leave and you revel in the moment. Then you grimly drain your drink and open a box of truffles.
You’ve hit maximum consumption. Your body shuts down. Your mind functions on only the most basic level, allowing to enjoy Call The Midwife.