Dry Veganuary impossible, experts warn

DOCTORS have issued a public health warning the public that doing Dry Veganuary in a national lockdown is not achievable. 

Bored, self-regarding Britons chasing detox thrills by abstaining from alcohol and animal products simultaneously could realise they have nothing to live for within days, according to medical professionals.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Neither of these challenges is insurmountable alone. But after the strain of this past year, attempting even a single week without the assistance of meat and alcohol is inadvisable.

“Thankfully gyms are closed so there’s no attempt to get fit as well, or we’d already have seen fatalities. It’s frankly just not the time for it.

“With the combination of winter, Brexit and the ongoing pandemic, we’re urging people to give their bodies what they need. We recommend either continuing to drink at holiday levels or gorging on meat like Henry VIII. Or ideally both.”

Experts in public health have compiled a list of items now considered medicinal including beer, wine, whisky, vodka, steak, sausages and doner kebab meat.

Ryan Whittaker said: “I tried Dry Veganuary last year. Monday January 6th I washed 30 cocktail sausages down with two litres of white cider, at 9am.”

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Why it's fine that exams are cancelled because they mean nothing: a teacher explains

GCSES and A-levels are cancelled and I, your teacher Mr Logan, will be deciding your grades based on one term’s work and my grudges. Which is fine because qualifications are bollocks.

My heart goes out to you, Ruby, for the challenges of remote learning and the possibility of years of hard work going down the drain. But you can pass all the exams you want and it means nowt.

Look at me, I’ve got a first-class honours degree, an MA and a PGCE and where am I? Stuck in a f**king comp in Crewe.

The problem is all the good jobs go to rich people’s kids. You won’t be swanning around in the arts, politics or the media, Harley. The most you can hope for is an office job, a mid-sized house and perhaps a pension that isn’t total shit.

There’s also the issue of sex. No amount of qualifications will get you a shag. Being clever might make you a bit more interesting but that’s a permanent passport to the friend zone.

Exams certainly won’t make you rich. I got talking to a builder recently, and he was rich as Croesus compared to me. A modest property portfolio and everything. He doesn’t know shit about Love’s Labour’s Lost, and why should he?

Anyway this is something of a detour, so Jaxon, can you stop looking at porn, please, and let’s get on with our Zoom lesson about the magic of oxbow lakes.