How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone

GIVING yourself a break from the news is essential for mental health, but reading a book or watching Netflix is too much like not looking at your phone. Try these: 

Listen to a true crime podcast

The dark and twisted tale of a double murder-suicide, coupled with deception, high-level police corruption, and indecipherable smalltown accents is the perfect distraction from a pandemic. And you can only half-listen because you’ll be reading the Wikipedia about it on your phone.

Start a very petty argument

Connections with those around us bring comfort in hard times, but arguing about inconsequential shit lets you forget about absolutely everything. Start some shit on WhatsApp and you’ll be consumed by misdirected rage into the small hours.

Get into a boxset on your tiny phone screen

The auteurs who make quality television love it when people watch it on the smallest screen available while checking case numbers every three minutes. Immersing yourself in an imaginary world while remaining available for news push notifications gives respite while maintaining intimacy with your device.

Cook something impossible

Food is a festival for the senses, and cooking a complex recipe one-handed while absentmindedly keeping up to date with what Twitter is saying about Boris Johnson takes up vital headspace and also ruins a meal.

Call your parents

A surefire way to take your mind off the virus is to call your parents and have them talk at you about the virus which will awaken a deep desire in you to not talk or think about the virus so much ever again, until at least 10 minutes later.

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Rich twats still abroad

ALL the celebrities who once tweeted ‘we’re in this together’ are sunning themselves in Mexico and Dubai like the wankers they are, it has emerged.

As Britain entered a total lockdown expected to last months, reality stars and lightly-injured footballers were beginning 2021 by spunking champagne all over each other in pleasant, Covid-free locations.

Model and influencer Lauren Hewitt said: “I’m social distancing on a yacht in the Caribbean, but showing my lockdown solidarity by posting regular bikini pictures.

“Britain can be reassured I’m far away from any risk, and I’m providing a vital public service by flaunting my curves for the sidebar of Mail Online.

Billionaire Roy Hobbs said: “The lockdown came earlier than expected – I’d told Boris Thursday – but I’ve done my vital work guiding Britain to a crap-deal Brexit and now I’m celebrating in tax-free Monaco as I deserve.”

Stephen Malley of Doncaster said: “Yeah, I remember when all I had to be pissed off about was the celebrities’ massive kitchens as they sang shit songs for The One Show. 

“Thanks a lot, this is far worse.”