Five candle-flavoured drinks to pretend to like this autumn

AUTUMN, the season of kicking up leaves, having bonfires and drinking disgusting, sickly, overly-spiced drinks. Here are the worst:

Gingerbread hot chocolate

Brimming with childish whimsy, this is the perfect entry point for those new to the world of tenuously-themed autumnal drinks. Make an already horribly sweet hot chocolate extra unpalatable with a few pumps of synthetic gingerbread-flavoured goo and feel the turning of the season wash right over you.

Chai latte

Let everyone know you went to Asia in your gap year with a heavily Westernised chai that’ll spark an IBS flare up. Feeling daring? Make it dirty with a double shot of espresso which defeats the point of this naturally low-caffeine beverage and really gives your bowels a run for their money.

Creamy hazelnut frappe

Given that climate change has made temperatures wildly unseasonal, an iced coffee might be just what you need on the hottest day of the year in September. Add a touch of harvest time with a squirt of hazelnut syrup and top with a frankly disgusting amount of whipped cream from an aerosol can. Just like simple country folk did in the olden days.

Mulled wine

Ever wished you could swill the molten wax straight from your Yankee candle? You can get almost the same experience with a lovely autumnal mulled wine, which is so full of cinnammon sticks, orange slices and star anise that there’s barely any liquid left to imbibe.

Pumpkin spice latte

With notes of reed diffuser and grandma’s dusty potpourri, the PSL is a seasonal staple and the only real choice on the market for true autumn lovers. Not available at your nice local independent cafe though, so you’ll have to go to evil multinational Starbucks for this bucket of vile orange liquid that you will regret paying a fiver for after you’ve taken the first sip.

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The big bastard that stares you out: House spiders rated by scariness

HOUSE spiders come in all shapes and sizes but have one common purpose, which is to scare the shit out of you. Here are the top five in descending order of fearsomeness:

The sweet little money spider

These tiny critters grow no more than 5mm long, and are often found dangling from the ceiling. They get their cutesy name from an old superstition that if one got stuck in your hair it would bring you good luck and increased wealth. Their capability to improve your bank balance is clearly bollocks, but at least they aren’t too frightening.

Scariness rating: 1/10

The hairy Tic Tac

These creepy bastards are also known as daddy long-legs spiders and were presumably named as such by a particularly kinky scientist. With their tiny bodies and freakishly long legs they look like something out of The War of the Worlds, but luckily are still delicate enough for humans to easily crush when they find one on their pillow at bedtime.

Scariness rating: 3/10

The jumpy f**ker

Like the coked-up knobhead in your local pub, this spider never stays still and bounces around seeking attention. It is small in size but its erratic nature makes it unpredictable, which amps up its threat level exponentially as you never know if it’s suddenly going to be crawling up your face while you innocently watch EastEnders.

Scariness rating 6/10

The one with the massive arse

Because spiders are f**king weirdos, what looks like the bum of the common false widow is actually its abdomen. Anyway, that’s the last thing you’ll be mulling over when you come face to face with this creep and its fat, meaty legs and scary fangs. You’ll be too busy jumping on a table and yelling at your partner to kill it instead.

Scariness rating: 9/10

The big bastard that stares you out

Measuring up to 12cm and commonly found waiting for you in the bath, this British brute stands its ground and glares like a furious eight-eyed Grant Mitchell. Once it has locked gazes with you, the Giant House Bastard will rear up and thump its legs down to assert its dominance. Although possessing a venomous bite, this spider would much prefer to punch your f**king lights out, so meekly get out of its way and allow it to rule your house until next spring.

Scariness rating 10/10