Five irritating pretensions on restaurant menus

RESTAURANT menus are riddled with pretentious, meaningless bullshit. Here are five examples that will put you right off your food.

Random French phrases

Probably the most annoying bollocks they’ll insult your intelligence with. They’re not ‘pommes frites’, they’re chips, and rebranding gravy as ‘jus’ should be punishable by a one-way trip to the guillotine. And they’ve just added another 20 quid to the price for making it sound posher.

No f**king £ sign

A modern disease sweeping through up-their-own-arse restaurants – if it’s £17.50 why not just f**king say so, instead of a ridiculous ‘17.5’, usually in an equally irritating bold italics font to show how hip and clever they are. Wait until the bill arrives then pretend you thought it was in rupees, Gambian dalasi, or another similarly low-value monetary unit. 

Garden peas

A pathetically faux attempt to sound authentic, when everyone knows they came frozen in a bag from a factory like all other peas. Push the point by insisting on being told whose garden they came from, and the exact brand of peat-free organic compost they used. 


The craze for basically serving a plate with bubbles on the side should surely have died a death by now. Recreate it at home by adding a dollop of Fairy Liquid froth with your steak and chips – it doesn’t matter that it tastes of soap because no one in their right mind would ever touch the frogspawny shit anyway.

Wine recommendations

Designed to make you feel like you know your sauvignon from your chablis while pushing you in the direction of their most overpriced bottles. Only an idiot will fork out 40 quid for something that’s in the off-licence over the road for a fiver, so just order that delicious wine called ‘house’. You’ll still get ripped off, but at least you’ll have enough money left to get an Uber home.


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Teachers outside schools with big baskets of GCSEs for anyone who wants one

TEACHERS have announced they will be outside schools all day with big baskets brimming with GCSEs so come and grab as many as you want.

Secondary schools around the country have so many top-graded GCSEs that there are plenty not just for pupils, but for anyone in the wider community who suffered the historical injustice of not getting qualifications because they were thick. 

Headteacher Mary Fisher said: “What would you like? Maths? History? Spanish? Or just reach into the basket and take a few at random, it doesn’t matter. There’s loads to spare.

“Thanks to Gavin Williamson, the greatest education secretary of all time based on results, there’s GCSEs for everyone. Come one, come all!” 

16-year-old Lucy Parry said: “I got top grades in all the subjects I took, plus music, home economics and Mandarin for good measure. Then I called my dad over to fill his boots. 

“He was in tears as he shovelled GCSEs into his arms. Maths, computer science, all that stuff he never got at school. He said it was the greatest day of his life and I’ve got to take him out for a meal.” 

Teacher Martin Bishop said: “It’s all very well, but we’ve got 18 barrels of media studies GCSEs back there that we can’t give away. We’ll have to burn them.”