Five of the best vegetables to eat because you hate yourself

DO you enjoy being a martyr about eating vegetables? Here are five disgusting varieties to consume to satisfy your masochistic streak:

Brussels sprouts

There is a particular subset of smug vegetable eaters who like eating sprouts all year round and not just at Christmas. Hopefully these little fart spheres have got genuinely healthy nutritional value, because otherwise you’re just eating pure evil.

Cabbage

Cabbage is the devil’s lettuce, and even Satan doesn’t want to eat it because it’s so repugnant. The only people who will force themselves to consume cabbage and pretend to like it are fat-loss fanatics who boil it up into a vile soup, and they’re obviously sick in the head.

Broccoli

Broccoli is like someone looked at a tree and thought ‘How do I make this small and terrible?’ It’s impossible to cook as it only has two modes: rock solid and mush. Either way, it tastes like every single miserable roast dinner you ever had at your grandparents’ house.

Cauliflower

Cauliflower looks like a big, pus-filled spot, incongruously nestling inside big green leaves. Who thought it would be a good idea to dig that up and try boiling it? It is essentially broccoli with anemia, and it tastes like it too.

Squash

Whilst squash looks and tastes nice when cooked, the preparation of it is an uphill battle that feels a lot like trying to peel a bowling bowl. Is it worth lacerating all ten fingers to eat some sweet orange mush? Definitely not. Just stick to potatoes, like sane people.

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Get back in a f**king can, macaroni cheese told

MACARONI cheese is not gourmet food served at restaurants but a last resort meal from a can at the back of a cupboard, diners have confirmed.

After several years of gloopy plates of cheese sauce and pasta creeping onto menus across the country as if they were a viable fine dining option, experts say enough is enough and macaroni cheese must return to its rightful place.

Chef Oliver O’Connor said: “By being renamed ‘mac and cheese’, like they call it in America, this insipid slop has somehow become something people genuinely want to eat, rather than forcing it down because they can’t be arsed to walk to the shops.

“It looks like maggots in vomit, even if you dress it up with leeks and bacon, and it tastes like a pair of socks that’s been worn for three weeks too long.

“It’s time it went back in a can that costs 69p from your local Happy Shopper and sits in a cupboard gathering dust for so long that the next time you look at it, it’s seven years past its sell by date.

“And then goes in the bin, where it belongs.”

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