Five reasons there's never anything you fancy in the fridge for dinner

IT’S dinnertime again and there’s not a single f**king thing in the fridge you want to eat. Here’s why:

You have no imagination

This is not the set of Ready Steady Cook and you can’t improvise like Ainsley. How are you, an ordinary office worker from Hull, supposed to envisage a way to magic two courgettes and a tin of rice pudding into a risotto primavera? The best you’re likely to manage is transforming a block of mouldering Cathedral City into cheese on toast. But you had that yesterday.

It’s too late

Those potatoes would have been just the ticket if only you’d been arsed to slap them in the oven three weeks ago, before they started sprouting new life. Or you could have chopped them into a lovely frittata along with the onions that have birthed long green shoots and the eggs you vaguely remember buying in September.

You can’t be arsed

The fridge is full. You’ve bought in all the ingredients to make Jamie’s veggie paella or BBC Good Food chicken fajitas. But now the moment is here both options seem far too time-consuming, and you’re hungry right now. ‘Not pasta again,’ you mutter resentfully to yourself as you reach for the jar of pesto.

It’s all leftovers 

Is there anything less appealing than leftovers? Even if you loved the meal so much the first time that you were excited about the prospect of enjoying it again, when you come to stick it in the microwave it’s always a disappointment. Just push those Tupperwares to the back of the shelf to go mouldy, and fire up Deliveroo.

You’re missing the key component

You can hardly make a stir fry when you’re out of soy sauce. And it’s not physically possible to ingest an oven chip without ketchup. And so you head off to the shops to buy these key ingredients, safe in the knowledge that you won’t make it past the kebab shop without buying dinner there instead.

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Five bullshit reasons you should text your ex

TEXTING your ex is like taking a dump on a train – it rarely works out well. But here are five bullshit reasons you should definitely go for it, right this second.

You’re thinking about them

It’s good to know someone is thinking about you. Which is why you’ve already left your ex 325 voice messages and turned up at their front door four times this week. They’ll feel great about themselves, knowing you still care despite being dumped via Instagram. And if they stupidly decide to rekindle your doomed romance, that’s a bonus that never even crossed your mind. 

You want to be friends

When your ex ditched you, they specifically said, ‘I think we should just be friends.’ And friends message each other all the time! Get this brand new friendship off the ground by bombarding your friend with friendly messages asking what they’re up to tonight. Where they are, who they’re with, if you could perhaps swing by for a cry on their shoulder and sexual intercourse, like friends do.

They miss you 

During all this silly obsessing over how much you miss them, you’ve been too up your own arse to realise that your ex misses you! That’s why they never call and started dating that girl who’s thinner and more fun than you. It’s clearly just to distract themselves. How sad. Message them immediately to put them out of their misery. It would be selfish not to. 

You’re drunk

Being drunk is a great motivator for doing many wise things, such as trying your hand at karaoke or taking hallucinogens. Texting your ex is no exception: if ever you were going to do it, now is the moment. You’ve never felt so strong, so free, so completely over them. Hell, instead of texting, why don’t you call? It’s only 1.42am, no one’s in bed by then.

You’re horny

You’re horny, and shagging your ex will be less emotionally complicated than shagging some stranger or friend of a friend. You’ve done it so many times before it’s no different to making them an instant coffee. What’s one more quick shag for the road? Yes, they’re in a new relationship, but you’re hardly planning to take a selfie of them lying in the bed next to you naked and post it on social media are you? Are you? Are you?