Sunday, 27th September 2020

Five reasons why 'Eat out to help out' is bollocks

THE government’s half-price meal scheme begins today, but is it bollocks? Here’s why you may not be rushing to take up Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous offer.

It may kill you 

Not from Covid-19, but a diet of McDonald’s breakfasts, Nando’s chicken and dubious pub grub. Morons love anything ‘free’, so in a few weeks there are bound to be dolts wondering why they’ve got dangerously high cholesterol after subjecting themselves to a less lucrative version of Super Size Me

Saving 10 quid isn’t worth getting a deadly virus for

As cost/benefit analyses go, a free toastie in Costa doesn’t justify ending up on a ventilator. Having said that, many people are incredibly tight, so hospitals may soon be full of patients gasping, “It’s okay, doc, I got a Harvester carvery meal for two quid.” 

It’s probably not saving you money  

By definition, the scheme encourages you to eat out when you weren’t planning to, so you’re out of pocket already. Now imagine you and your partner or mates are tucking into tasty pub grub in a pleasant beer garden. What drink will you choose? A nice glass of water, perhaps? F**k off. You’ll be having at least £15 of booze with that.

The innuendo

Whichever policy wonk thought of the ‘Eat out to help out’ slogan was either a bit naive or having a laugh at the public’s expense, so maybe it was Dominic Cummings. Now it’s impossible to eat your food without off-putting thoughts of getting pubic hairs in your mouth. 

Wankers love it

Social media is already full of idiots enthusing about getting a (mostly) free lunch, plus Tory voters praising Rishi Sunak to the heavens. Just paying the full price of your meal would be preferable to seeing smug bellends crowing that they’ve ‘bloody nicked a full English from Spoons’.