The middle class guide to dirty talk

JUST because you’re a nice middle class person it doesn’t mean you can’t talk dirty in the bedroom. Here sex columnist Donna Sheridan shares her tips.

Be polite

Having uninhibited sex doesn’t mean you can leave your manners at the door. Say things like “May I insert this here?” and “Thank you, would it be possible to put these in there, please?”. 

Ensure privacy

Before you go to battle stations, make sure your children are asleep and the au pair has turned in for the night. The last thing you want during a filthy tirade is for Dominique to come in and start complaining about her pitiful salary.

Identify your middle class kinks

If you’re very middle class, things like “You’re so dirty”, etc., may not do the job. Consider breathlessly discussing how how to convert your loft into a spare room, or swap particularly acerbic witticisms from Marina Hyde’s latest Guardian piece.


Role-play can add a whole new dimension to sex. Escape your middle class identity with comments like “D’you want some of my big, greasy Greggs sausage roll?” or “Coleen needs some loving, Wayne”.

Use your vocabulary 

Show some appreciation for your parents spending a fortune on an expensive private education, including a superior vocabulary. “Am I a bad girl who needs to be spanked, teacher?” is much sexier as “Am I a recalcitrant mentee who needs to be chastised physically, educationalist?’.

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'You won't like me before my morning coffee', jokes woman who no one has ever liked

A WOMAN has joked that she only becomes likeable after her morning coffee, to the surprise of colleagues who hate her at all times of day.

Annoying marketing executive Carolyn Ryan claims she needs coffee to improve her personality but this is tolerated and even looked on fondly by co-workers. 

She said: “My friends at work know what I’m like with my coffee. I’m addicted! I need that caffeine fix to turn me into the Carolyn they know and love.

“It’s just a bit of fun that we all enjoy, really. I’m a bit of a joker around here and I love making them all laugh.”

However long-time colleague Lucy Parry said: “Not a day goes by where I don’t wish she would shut up forever. I can’t remember ever having any feelings of goodwill towards her.

“I’m not sure what kind of personality change she thinks happens, but whether she’s pre- or post-coffee, I cannot bear her witless chit-chat and bitchy office gossip.”

Co-worker Oliver O’Connor added: “We’re really surprised she thinks she’s anything but intolerable. But then her total lack of self-awareness is one of the many reasons we hate her.”