Sunday, 27th September 2020

The middle class guide to dirty talk

JUST because you’re a nice middle class person it doesn’t mean you can’t talk dirty in the bedroom. Here sex columnist Donna Sheridan shares her tips.

Be polite

Having uninhibited sex doesn’t mean you can leave your manners at the door. Say things like “May I insert this here?” and “Thank you, would it be possible to put these in there, please?”. 

Ensure privacy

Before you go to battle stations, make sure your children are asleep and the au pair has turned in for the night. The last thing you want during a filthy tirade is for Dominique to come in and start complaining about her pitiful salary.

Identify your middle class kinks

If you’re very middle class, things like “You’re so dirty”, etc., may not do the job. Consider breathlessly discussing how how to convert your loft into a spare room, or swap particularly acerbic witticisms from Marina Hyde’s latest Guardian piece.

Role-playing 

Role-play can add a whole new dimension to sex. Escape your middle class identity with comments like “D’you want some of my big, greasy Greggs sausage roll?” or “Coleen needs some loving, Wayne”.

Use your vocabulary 

Show some appreciation for your parents spending a fortune on an expensive private education, including a superior vocabulary. “Am I a bad girl who needs to be spanked, teacher?” is much sexier as “Am I a recalcitrant mentee who needs to be chastised physically, educationalist?’.