'Glamping' just as shit as camping

GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found. 

A wide-ranging study has discovered that ‘glamping’ is just as deeply dissatisfying a holiday experience as regular camping, while being significantly more expensive.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The inclusion of a beanbag or some fairy lights did very little to take away from the fact that, at the end of the day, you still have to shit in a hole in a forest.

“Whether your accommodation is a tent you put up yourself or a traditional Mongolian yurt, it’s still just as unlikely to stand up to sustained wind and rain.

“It might have a wooden floor and a wood-burning stove. But when a stream starts flowing through your living accommodation, you’ll still end up sitting in the car.

“And many glampers even claimed to have had a worse time than ordinary campers, simply because glamping draws middle-class arseholes like moths to a flame.

“You can buy repellent for midges and mozzies. Sadly as yet there’s nothing on the market for men called Greg who work in finance, whose wives have their own jewellery business and whose children don’t eat sugar and need a bloody good hiding.”

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I cut out gluten and now everything in my life is perfect

LAST YEAR, I was a wreck. Overweight, ugly, deeply in debt, trapped in an unhappy marriage and playing Russian roulette every Saturday night just to feel alive. 

And today? I have the looks of a model, am a millionaire dating a billionaire, and have just been named project manager at the Large Hadron Collider.

How have I achieved this miracle? Simple. I cut out gluten. And now my life is perfect in every single way.

Too good to be true? I thought the same before I stopped eating bread. Now look at me. I am a hot, successful and probably immortal human bathing in the glow of gluten-free beauty.

Did I mention I don’t eat gluten and I have to shop in that tiny aisle in Waitrose where they keep the food for special people? So what if it’s ridiculously expensive, flavourless and has kind of a weird texture?

I’m reaping the benefits of being the person with all the interesting gluten stories. Have I told you the one about how I used to get really bloated after a meal, and now I don’t?

Have I explained how much better my skin has been since giving it up? My skin, my body, my whole damn life.

I can tell you over dinner, although if the restaurant doesn’t have a gluten-free menu I’ll moan about it for the entire evening. I have so much more energy for moaning now. And a better immune system. And much healthier turds.

Wait don’t go! I need to tell you! I’ve cut out gluten and my life is perfect!