Five ways to make your waitress fantasise about murdering you

HOSPITALITY staff across the country are thrilled be back to work, until you come in. Because you do things that make waitstaff focus very hard on not reaching for the knife: 

Give her a nickname

She knows her name. She has known it for roughly her entire life. It’s on the tag. However, she might be on the lookout for a new one, so go ahead and suggest witless variations while she, in return, silently makes a list of objects she could beat you with repeatedly.

Go off-menu

View the menu as a jumping-off point. You’re paying, so this is about you and how you want the sauce, but only on the side, and actually could you taste some first? Think carefully about how you want your meat cooked, because she’s thinking about slow-roasting your scrotum very thoroughly indeed.

Share anecdotes about your time in hospitality

If there is one thing waitresses hate about the most, it is the boring, slow hours with nothing to do but rest. Spark her imagination with heroic tales about the time you did not know escargot were snails, and watch her eyes dance with visions of you choking on them.

Be generous with verbal tips

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Tell a waitress how to stack plates better, then leave a handful of change when the bill comes, and she will think about drowning you for the rest of her life.

Never, ever, leave

This is your meal. You have paid to be here, or at least will when you are finally convinced to get the bill in forty-five minutes. So sit back and take your time nursing that last swill of wine while your server takes her time watching the life slowly drain from your body. In her imagination, sadly.

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Creepy man in his 30s dating 19-year-old to protect her from other creepy men in their 30s

A 33-YEAR-OLD man is only dating a girl 14 years younger to protect her from older men with bad intentions, he insists.

Tom Booker says he worries for girlfriend Lucy Parry because there are a lot of sleazy guys out there who would try to exploit her youth and inexperience.

He continued: “I met Lucy on Tinder after I’d set my age range to 18 to 25, for a laugh, and was immediately struck by how innocent she looked and instantly wanted to protect her.

‘There are a lot of creeps out there preying on girls like her. I saw one guy who was almost 40. So I messaged her initially to warn her about those types and that’s how we met.

“Her parents aren’t too happy which I understand, because people make assumptions, but I’m sure they’ll soon see I’m only thinking of Lucy. Also I have a car, a flat and a job in an escape room.

“She’s so much more mature than other girls her age. Before we met she spent all her time getting pissed with her uni friends and making TikToks, but she much prefers watching The Sopranos with me while I explain it to her.”

He added: “What I’m doing is a public service really. I’m one of the good guys.”