HOSPITALITY staff across the country are thrilled be back to work, until you come in. Because you do things that make waitstaff focus very hard on not reaching for the knife:
Give her a nickname
She knows her name. She has known it for roughly her entire life. It’s on the tag. However, she might be on the lookout for a new one, so go ahead and suggest witless variations while she, in return, silently makes a list of objects she could beat you with repeatedly.
Go off-menu
View the menu as a jumping-off point. You’re paying, so this is about you and how you want the sauce, but only on the side, and actually could you taste some first? Think carefully about how you want your meat cooked, because she’s thinking about slow-roasting your scrotum very thoroughly indeed.
Share anecdotes about your time in hospitality
If there is one thing waitresses hate about the most, it is the boring, slow hours with nothing to do but rest. Spark her imagination with heroic tales about the time you did not know escargot were snails, and watch her eyes dance with visions of you choking on them.
Be generous with verbal tips
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Tell a waitress how to stack plates better, then leave a handful of change when the bill comes, and she will think about drowning you for the rest of her life.
Never, ever, leave
This is your meal. You have paid to be here, or at least will when you are finally convinced to get the bill in forty-five minutes. So sit back and take your time nursing that last swill of wine while your server takes her time watching the life slowly drain from your body. In her imagination, sadly.
