Flumps, and other foods you're ashamed to buy as an adult

ONCE you’re over 18 you’re embarrassed to be seen buying certain foods. These are the most shameful:

Hubba Bubba

‘Hubba Bubba’ sounds more like a hideous nickname your mum would have for your dad than a food item someone with a pension should choose for themselves. Anyone over 30 purchasing bubblegum for their own consumption should be put on some sort of register.

Mini Milk

It’s a hot day, and you’ve decided to pick up ice creams from the supermarket. But you can’t get them through the self-service checkout. Before you know it, you’ve summoned a store assistant to hear you say one of the most tragic sentences ever uttered: ‘Excuse me, but could you help me scan these Mini-Milks?’

Nik Naks

Aside from sounding like a teenager’s euphemism for their testicles, the crisps themselves look more like the Honey Monster’s bowel movements than anything a person with a mortgage should be eating. Better to accept that the only respectable crisps for an adult to buy are Kettle Chips, and buy yourself a tasteful bowl to put them in.


There is no suitable occasion for anyone over 20 to say ‘Hey, you know what I fancy? A flaccid pipe of sickly marshmallow.’ If you’re going to a corner shop to treat yourself do the respectable thing for your age and buy a packet of fags and a four-pack of continental lager.


If you must start the day with a large bowl of sugar encrusted cereal followed by a hypoglycemic crash, Honey Nut Cornflakes are the adult choice to make. However much you believe Tony the Tiger when he tells you they’re ‘grrrreat’, you’re a grown up now and you aren’t allowed to enjoy yourself anymore. Have a healthy, disgusting grapefruit instead.

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Five things you really should have grown out of years ago

THINK you’re a sophisticated adult? Then how come you still haven’t left behind these things that are clearly meant for young people, you massive overgrown child?

Kids’ breakfast cereal

Nobody over 25 should be spooning miniature cookies into their mouth every morning. The manufacturers even make the packaging look as gaudy and embarrassing as possible to ward off adults like you, so take the hint. Start your day with a coffee and a cigarette while mulling over your many regrets like a proper grown-up. 

Harry Potter

We get it, they’re the only books you’ve read and you spent a fortune just to look at the props from the very average movies. It’s hard to let that sort of investment go. But now JK Rowling spends all her time having bitter transgender Twitter rows, it’s time for you to move on too. It’s what the boy who lived would do.

Football stickers

Getting overemotional about people kicking a ball around is bad enough, but buying rip-off packets of Panini stickers is going too far. You might think you’re impressing your friend’s kids with your immaculate Premier League album, but they’re probably only trying to get an unfair swap out of you.

Dreams of pop stardom

You didn’t break into the music industry when you were young enough to have a chance, so why would you succeed now you’re in your mid-40s and have noticeable dental implants? You might just get on Britain’s Got Talent, but only as one of the deluded cannon fodder acts for everyone to laugh at.

Living with your parents

Sure, the housing market is tough right now and probably always will be, but wouldn’t you rather live in a house share with people who didn’t conceive you? Housemates can be be utter twats, but at least hearing them having sex doesn’t completely freak you out.