ONCE you’re over 18 you’re embarrassed to be seen buying certain foods. These are the most shameful:
‘Hubba Bubba’ sounds more like a hideous nickname your mum would have for your dad than a food item someone with a pension should choose for themselves. Anyone over 30 purchasing bubblegum for their own consumption should be put on some sort of register.
It’s a hot day, and you’ve decided to pick up ice creams from the supermarket. But you can’t get them through the self-service checkout. Before you know it, you’ve summoned a store assistant to hear you say one of the most tragic sentences ever uttered: ‘Excuse me, but could you help me scan these Mini-Milks?’
Aside from sounding like a teenager’s euphemism for their testicles, the crisps themselves look more like the Honey Monster’s bowel movements than anything a person with a mortgage should be eating. Better to accept that the only respectable crisps for an adult to buy are Kettle Chips, and buy yourself a tasteful bowl to put them in.
There is no suitable occasion for anyone over 20 to say ‘Hey, you know what I fancy? A flaccid pipe of sickly marshmallow.’ If you’re going to a corner shop to treat yourself do the respectable thing for your age and buy a packet of fags and a four-pack of continental lager.
If you must start the day with a large bowl of sugar encrusted cereal followed by a hypoglycemic crash, Honey Nut Cornflakes are the adult choice to make. However much you believe Tony the Tiger when he tells you they’re ‘grrrreat’, you’re a grown up now and you aren’t allowed to enjoy yourself anymore. Have a healthy, disgusting grapefruit instead.