Wild swimming and other things the Guardian can't f**king stop writing about

THERE are some topics this broadsheet seems to have a psychotic obsession with. Here are some we’ve honestly heard enough about…

People leaving London 

For a paper based in the capital, the Guardian is desperate to tell us why no one should live there. We don’t care if Louise escaped the rat race to open a yurt retreat in Devon. And with 300,000 people expected to leave London this year, for Christ’s sake don’t write an article about every single one of them.

Wild swimming

Every Guardian journalist must take their trunks or cozzie to work each day, because chances are they’ll be dispatched to write a twee 1,000-word article on the ‘joys’ of doing front crawl in a murky lake in Cornwall. Nope. It looks grim. We’re never going to try it.


Only about one per cent of their readers understand it, with even fewer likely to invest. That doesn’t put them off endless ‘long reads’ on cryptocurrency. The only thing that’s stopped them doing more is the recent trend for non-fungible tokens. No idea what those are either. 

High-end dramas

The paper loves to do episode-by-episode recaps of any show that’s vaguely interesting. Game of Thrones and Line of Duty are just about fair enough. But Bake Off? Masterchef? Next it’ll be a liveblog of The Chase or a knob-by-knob review of Tuesday night’s Naked Attraction


A versatile foodstuff, and it also goes a long way in a newspaper. Not just the endless avocado on toast and guacamole recipes – there’s also the health benefits, beauty products and some articles resembling April Fools’ jokes, such as the dangers of cutting them, or ‘avocado hand’.


If a story features a bike you can bet your arse it’s in the paper. From Dutch cycling holidays to bike lane disputes, nothing is off limits. They also take pleasure in thoroughly reporting the only sport more boring than cricket: professional cycling.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Labour Party to call it a day

THE Labour Party has announced it is to be formally wound up after losing the Hartlepool by-election. 

After 121 years as a political party and 99 years as the official opposition, the party has agreed that its best years are behind it and it would only embarrass itself by limping on further. 

Sir Keir Starmer, who has been appointed as executor, said: “We’d all had a chat and decided that if we lost Hartlepool then the time had come to go our separate ways. 

“We had a good run and we’ve got some great memories. Harold Wilson, Tony Blair, creating the NHS, it’s a fantastic track record and we don’t want to spoil it. 

“Hartlepool may seem a minor reason to call it quits, but it’s like when the Stone Roses released that new single back in 2016. It wasn’t very good and nobody cared so why push on for the full album? 

“I’m resigning, the party is dissolved, our MPs will step down and as of now there is no official opposition. Trust me, you won’t even notice.” 

Former voter Nathan Muir of Kidsgrove said: “What, the Labour party? Yeah, I used to be well into them back in the 90s. Split up? What? I thought they did ages ago.”