'Foodie' actually just greedy

A MAN who describes himself as a ‘foodie’ is nothing but a greedy twat, friends have confirmed.

Stephen Malley has attempted to paint himself as a gastronomic expert when in fact he just likes eating and drinking more than is good for him.

Malley said: “I’m such a foodie. Whenever I see a new burger come out, or a new type of fried potato, I’ve got to try it. Pizza toppings are my speciality, but not ones that include vegetables.

“I’ve actually always dreamed of being a chef, but it turns out you have to learn stuff which is much harder than getting Deliveroo to bring tasty things direct to my door.”

Friends confirmed that despite his claim to be interested in food, Malley has never eaten cauliflower, considers prosciutto ‘weird’ and regularly buys cereal made for children.

Helen Archer said: “Eating all different kinds of junk food and calling yourself a ‘foodie’ is like w*nking all day and calling yourself Errol Flynn. The only thing Stephen has in common with the Hairy Bikers is that his arteries are in a very bad way.”

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The five 'micro habits' of insufferably smug people

DO you love self-righteously explaining to people how their life would be less of a mess if they made small changes every day? Share these tips with them.

Work out, even just a little

Saying that even a tiny amount of exercise is better than none is basically telling them they’re a lazy scumbag who is destined for an early grave if they can’t be bothered to drag their a*se outside. Claim it’s tough love, rather than emotional abuse.

Have a routine

You will feel super-smug telling people that you have three kids and a full-time job and yet still manage to stick to a strict routine. Just make sure you don’t mention the au pair or the cleaner.

Go to bed early

Most people would kill to go to bed early, but by the time they’ve made dinner, four packed lunches and done the ironing, it’s 11.45pm and they need a glass of wine. Make them feel awful by telling them you’re asleep by 10pm every night.

Check your bank account daily

Knowing what’s going on with your finances makes you feel in control. However, this only applies to self-satisfied twits like you who know they have money and not people who approach a cash machine like it’s an unexploded bomb.

Have a gratitude journal

Encourage others to write down one small thing they are grateful for each day, even if it’s finally telling you to f**k off and leave them alone.