Woman into apple cider vinegar now giving full medical consultations

A WOMAN who evangelises about apple cider vinegar on Facebook is suddenly more of a medical authority than your actual doctor.

Francesca Johnson started dabbling with natural health cures when she accidentally bought a jar of very expensive Manuka honey, and had to justify the cost by pretending there was some sort of science behind it.

Johnson said: “Products like apple cider vinegar are life-changing, and not just because your breath smells so bad you lose all your friends. It’s so powerful and versatile it’s good for your gut health but also for cleaning toilets too.

“I’m now something of an expert on ‘beneficial bacteria’, which means I’m qualified to give advice on everything from the consistency of your poo to coronavirus. Who needs an actual GP when you’ve got me giving consultations on Facebook?”

She added: “I hope to use my knowledge to take down the anti-vaxxers, who base their posts on flimsy evidence and hysteria, which I would absolutely never do.”

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Middle-class families panic-buying board games

MIDDLE-CLASS families have cleared the shelves of cerebral board games as the coronavirus panic continues. 

Staff have reported major shortages of Settlers of Catan, Risk and Carcassonne as families who limit screen time stock up on edifying intellectual pursuits.

Joseph Turner, proprietor of specialist shop Board of Life, said: “They were like animals. Throwing any game they could find on the counter, as long as it was for two to six players and no one who likes Cluedo had heard of it.

“I saw grown men politely disagreeing over who’d laid a sanitised finger on King of Tokyo first and yummy mummies jostling elbows over the last remaining copy of Whistle Stop. We’ve got nothing left.”

Julian Cook of Didsbury said: “We could be trapped in here for weeks and we can’t just let the kids sit around watching TV. There are standards to maintain.

“While the sirens are sounding and the carts collecting the dead roll past outside, they’ll be drowned out by our peals of laughter and the gentle tumbling of dice.”

He added: “We’ve also stocked up on 80 litres of gin.”