Gammon thinks food allergies are a choice

AN angry middle-aged man is under the impression food allergies are a voluntary choice made by snowflakes, it has emerged.

After witnessing his niece ask a waitress if her meal contained nuts, 58-year-old Mail reader Roy Hobbs rolled his eyes in outrage and muttered “woke nonsense” to himself in protest.

He said: “I was already biting my tongue as Hannah proceeded to order her poncey vegetarian lasagna, but asking whether it contained an ingredient which would literally kill her was beyond the pale. Who does she think she is?

“The poor bar girl had to go and get a special laminated folder. I was so embarrassed I could barely get the words out to order my steak and ale pie with chips and no salad.

“Lauren clearly thinks she’s so much better than me with her anaphylactic shock and her EpiPen. Back in my day everyone ate gluten, peanuts and none of this tofu rubbish. And look at me, I turned out absolutely fine.

“I have a funny feeling that if we brought back National Service a lot of these problems would magically disappear.”

Niece Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’ve long since given up trying to follow uncle Roy’s logic. Allergies are fake news but leaving the single market is a good idea? He makes no sense.”

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How to know absolutely everything because you're 17 or 72: a Zoomer and a Boomer explain

SOME confused generations are not in natural command of all the world’s wisdom, but not the young or old. Here they explain their omniscience:

Jack Browne, aged 17

The thing about youth is it has such clarity. You’re not blinded by prejudice built up over bitter years like the old folk, so it’s perfectly obvious that socialism is the future, weed should be mandatory and racists should be held in re-education camps.

Norman Steele, aged 72

The young, by which I mean anyone under 65, don’t have the benefit of our years of experience. Once you’ve lived a bit you can’t avoid obvious truths like socialism being legalised theft, cannabis makes you a killer and the races simply weren’t meant to mix.

Jack Browne

There are parts of the past that are valuable, like all the trans pioneers we’re uncovering throughout history and the discovery that colonialism is bad which no previous generation had realised. But largely it’s of no interest and people from there should no longer vote.

Norman Steele

The tragedy of youth is they’ll never know how much better things were before they turned up. If only they’d known the glory days of the British Empire and homosexuality being illegal they’d throw away their TikToks and start smoking in pubs.

Jack Browne

The future is ours. A youthquake is coming and we’ll soon solve all the world’s problems, get rid of everything bad because we just won’t need it, and make this nasty little island into a paradise for everyone. Because we’re the greatest generation that’s ever been.

Norman Steele

It’s the lack of appreciation that gets me. All the hard work we’ve put in solving the insurmountable problems caused by our parents’ boring wartime generation means nothing to them. They won’t recognise we’re the greatest generation that’s ever been.