A MIDDLE-CLASS man has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to make sure his family survives the current halloumi cheese shortage.
Accountant Norman Steele assembled his frightened family and assured them they would not go without the Cypriot hard cheese, even if it means breaking the law.
Wife Rebecca said: “Thank god Norman’s going to look after us. We’ve got vegetarians coming to our garden party and there just isn’t another cheese you can put on the barbecue.
“Also Persephone’s going through a vegetarian phase again and it’s already hard enough cooking for her without halloumi in the fridge. It’s a nightmare that never ends.
“Norman raced round all the local supermarkets in the Volvo and bought all the halloumi he could find. He took a squash racquet in case he had to fight off other shoppers.
“Then he stayed up all night researching alternatives like feta baked in foil. There was a look of steely determination on his face I’d never seen before. We had incredible sex that night.”
Steele said: “I’ve bought a ski mask and pickaxe handle in case I have to hold up the artisan cheesemonger’s. A man’s gotta put versatile Mediterranean goat’s cheese on the table.”