Guardian reader dad vows to get family through halloumi shortage

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to make sure his family survives the current halloumi cheese shortage.

Accountant Norman Steele assembled his frightened family and assured them they would not go without the Cypriot hard cheese, even if it means breaking the law.  

Wife Rebecca said: “Thank god Norman’s going to look after us. We’ve got vegetarians coming to our garden party and there just isn’t another cheese you can put on the barbecue.

“Also Persephone’s going through a vegetarian phase again and it’s already hard enough cooking for her without halloumi in the fridge. It’s a nightmare that never ends.

“Norman raced round all the local supermarkets in the Volvo and bought all the halloumi he could find. He took a squash racquet in case he had to fight off other shoppers.

“Then he stayed up all night researching alternatives like feta baked in foil. There was a look of steely determination on his face I’d never seen before. We had incredible sex that night.”

Steele said: “I’ve bought a ski mask and pickaxe handle in case I have to hold up the artisan cheesemonger’s. A man’s gotta put versatile Mediterranean goat’s cheese on the table.”

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Scientists confirm there is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab enjoyable

THERE is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab delicious, scientists have confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies explained: “Our study found that what people stumbling home at 2am after a heavy night crave is the tender, silky texture and delicious flavour combination of a doner kebab.

“Even the least discerning drunks in our study found the vegan alternative, which is basically an expensive clump of yeast-flavoured sausage-esque cylinders interspersed with bits of pepper, not only fails to hit the spot, but actively feels like a middle finger to food.

“Our tests revealed that vegan kebab meat serves one purpose and one purpose only: to make the consumer wish they were eating actual kebab meat.”

Kebab eater Tom Booker said: “You can’t even make it passable by drenching it in garlic mayo because that’s not bloody vegan, is it?

“I wish it was flavourless. I can work with flavourless. Call me fussy, but I’d rather not have to wipe my tongue with a bit of lettuce after every bite.”