Heaven is a massive slab of meat off a cow's arse: The gammon food critic visits a steakhouse

Restaurant reviews by Justin Tanner, our retired food critic who thinks Question Time might be worth watching if Fiona Bruce had more cleavage on show

I F**KING love steak. Nothing more British than getting stuck into a huge chunk of cow meat with a pile of our greatest invention apart from the Spitfire, chips.

It’s good for the environment too. You know those massive methane farts cows stand around pumping out all day, destroying the ozone layer? Soon stop once they’re dead and under the grill. You won’t see that in our woke vegan media.

So it’s my birthday, and I’ve a celebratory table-for-one booked at a nationally popular steakhouse. I get some funny looks as I sit down on my own. Haven’t people seen a divorced man eat alone before? 

I won’t give the steakhouse the publicity of naming them – not when they curtly refused me a freebie – but it sounds a bit like Killer and Martyr. Which I guess is more appropriate from a cow’s perspective.

I order a beer. At over a fiver for a bloody Peroni it’s no match for Spoons, but it’s my birthday so I treat myself to a few. 

For a starter I go for prawn and avocado cocktail, picking out the avocado. I’m not eating that snowflake shite. It’s okay, but no better than the couple-of-quid plastic potted version in Tesco.

Then the main event. I briefly ponder the Black Angus filet mignon, but decide two small fillets served rare at nearly 40 quid is taking the piss. Besides, in my youth I once drunkenly found myself face-first between two curtains of beef with blood present, and I’m not doing that again.

Ribeye? Full of fat. 8oz sirloin? Better, but still nearly 30 quid. I go for my favourite, prime rump. A 7oz slab of Daisy’s arse for under 20 quid. Sorted.

I eschew the onion loaf and balsamic-glazed tomato it comes with, order chunky chips instead of salad – do I look like Bugs Bunny? – and peruse the sauces. I skip the three peppercorn and ‘classic’ bearnaise – if I wanted French sauce I’d ask them to put some garlic and a beret in a blender – and ask for Colman’s English mustard. 

I opt for medium rare. It’s not bad in all fairness, and without all that shit on the side there’s room for dessert, sticky toffee pudding, obviously. It’s as rich as my ex-wife after the divorce, but no step up on the frozen ones from Iceland.

Stuffed, I enquire as to the chances of having a last Peroni on the house as it’s my birthday. They say no. It was only a matter of time before they start banning alcohol.

I pay up, stagger to the door and head home for a celebratory birthday wank. I recorded three hours of an adult channel on VHS years ago, so it’s free porn on tap in the flat. I’m not stupid.

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Michael Sheen and five other celebrities who you'd never guess it but are actually Welsh

NOT all celebrities are from America, some of them even come from Wales. Not that you would ever suspect these ones hail from the Land of Song.

Michael Sheen

He may star in Good Omens alongside American hunk Jon Hamm and Scottish heartthrob David Tennant, but don’t let them distract you. Listen closely and you’ll hear the faint lilt of a Welsh accent in Michael Sheen’s voice. Believe it or not he’s actually from Newport, not that he ever goes on about it at every opportunity at great length. He’s got more class than that.

Catherine Zeta-Jones

“Bollocks!” you’re likely shouting at your screen. “Catherine Zeta-Jones is a big screen Hollywood star who has appeared in lots of great films like The Mask of Zorro and The Legend of Zorro, no way could a Welsh person do that!” Check yourself, arsehole, she’s from Swansea, making her as Welsh as a red dragon holding a daffodil.

Russell T Davies

World-renowned writer Russell T Davies not only resurrected Doctor Who and penned a moving drama about the AIDS crisis, but he also had the miraculous good fortune to be born in Wales. Watch his shows with a keen eye and this obscure fact will subtly present itself in between – and even during – snappy, moralising dialogue and raunchy sex scenes.

Bonnie Tyler

You’ve listened to Total Eclipse of the Heart a million times and not once has Bonnie Tyler’s distinctive husky voice revealed her Welsh origins. However you were incredibly pissed on each occasion and singing over it with your own tone-deaf vocals, so you might have missed it. In interviews her accent is ever so slightly more apparent.

Tom Jones

It sounds too strange to be true, but baritone superstar, and the only reason your mum ever watched The Voice, Tom Jones originally hails from Pontypridd. Double check all you want, but he’s not from Las Vegas as you would expect. Fun fact: Cerys Matthews is actually Welsh too, which explains why they did that dodgy Christmas song together.

Alex Jones

No, not the alt-right radio show host your dad thinks has some good ideas, that would be wild. Instead, think of The One Show presenter that isn’t Matt Baker. That’s right, when she isn’t awkwardly segueing from a frothy interview with Su Pollard to a segment on the impending threat of nuclear war, Alex Jones is busy thinking of leeks and simmering with resentment for the English like all good Welsh people.