How much pasta should you cook to make the sadness go away?

COOKING the right amount of pasta is notoriously difficult. Take our simple quiz to find out how much to cook to make the sadness go away.

How sad do you feel?

A. I feel constantly sad. Nothing makes the sadness go away. I am hoping pasta might fill the void.
B. I’m not sad, I’m just cooking pasta.

How much pasta do you usually cook?

A. As much as I can fit into the pan without it all burning around the sides. Also if I’m completely honest, sometimes I don’t cook it and just crunch it straight out of the packet. It doesn’t taste good, but what else is there except pasta? So, all in all, quite a lot of pasta.

B. Usually a bit too much. I always end up with more than I need, but when that happens I save the rest for lunch the next day.

Do you really believe the sadness will go away if you eat enough pasta?

A. I feel if I eat enough pasta it will fill the gnawing emptiness at the core of my existence. I’ve tried loads of things but I’m certain pasta is the key to feeling less sad. Even if it’s just for a little while.

B. No. Look, I’m not trying to make the sadness go away. I’m just making dinner.

Mostly As: Keep cooking as much pasta as you can. It is a well-known comfort food and will therefore fill the void in your life. You just need to eat enough of it. Bon appetit.

Mostly Bs: You’re in denial. Stop lying to yourself and make more pasta.


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Child realises parents haven't got a f**king clue what they're doing

A CHILD who thought his parents were all-knowing, god-like beings has realised they are idiots.

Nine-year-old Stephen Malley has been increasingly suspicious after incidents such as his dad getting his homework completely wrong and his mum trying to fold up a buggy with his baby sister still inside.

Malley said: “These people are absolutely fucking useless at most of the things they attempt to do. It’s almost as if they’re making it up as they go along.

“They act like they’re really capable and I’m some sort of idiot because I haven’t been alive as long. But, unlike mum, I’m not the one who drinks too much white wine then cries because I tried to trim my own hair and it went wrong.

“They’re pretty immature if you ask me. You should have seen the tantrum dad had when he left his iPhone on the lawn then cut the grass.

“Also there was the time we all had food poisoning because neither of them knew chicken isn’t like beef and therefore isn’t ‘fine to eat when it’s a bit pink’.

“I’ll be moving out on my 16th birthday. If I survive that long.”