How to have a pointlessly pretentious and expensive barbecue

WANT to spunk a load of money up the wall on fancy venison steaks just to char them to inedibility? Follow this guide: 

Ban ordinary food

Even after two hours over a flickering flame, sausages are palatable with enough ketchup. But corn-fed veal sausages with a truffle-oil glaze? Nobody’s enjoying those.

Do something complicated with vegetables

Everyone will pretend to adore your signature aubergines stuffed with hazelnuts and quinoa, when in fact they’re secretly craving a cheap burger with a square of bright yellow plastic cheese on it.

Cook something massive

Throwing an entire salmon or half a pig on your barbecue makes you look like a real chef, even if it costs a fortune, doesn’t cook through and gives everyone food poisoning.

Insist on homemade bread

If you do stoop to allowing people to place their food between two slices of bread, make a big point about it being home-baked sourdough, even though a cheap white supermarket bap is infinitely more satisfying and much easier to chew.

Make twatty cocktails

Bottles of prosecco and four-packs of lager must be left at the door while you spend an interminable amount of time mixing cocktails full of elderflower and artisinal gin. Guaranteeing nobody will be pissed enough to enjoy the food.