How to make it look like you're shopping for essentials

POPPING to the shops but worried police will judge your beer and crisps non-essential? Try these to make your basket purposed and focused. 

Buy paracetamol

A cheap and cheerful way to transform your snack run into a life or death mission for medicine. If they’re sold out, which they probably are, vocalise your frustration so the staff don’t mind as you pick up another bag of Flamin’ Hot Tangy Cheese Doritos.

Wear a hazmat suit

We’re all used to face masks, so up the game with a hazmat suit. Nobody’s going to question the buying habits of an oddball who looks like they’ve wandered out of Chernobyl.

Pretend to be a key worker

Key workers are keeping the country running, so by pretending to be one you can get away with buying any old crap. Just describe your fictional job in vague, ominous terms in the queue. It will only cost you your self-respect.

Claim to be shopping on behalf of an elderly person

Nobody will question your six packs of Hob-Nobs and salted caramel cheesecake when it’s for a self-isolated pensioner. Though your copy of Doom Eternal for PS4 might be a stretch.

Extra alcohol

Booze is a tried and tested way of getting through nightmarish situations. Add a few bottles  of bourbon to your basket and everyone will admire that you’re taking steps to look after your sanity in this difficult time.

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Shelf-stacker going to work with picture of sweetheart in his pocket

A 19-YEAR-OLD Lidl employee is keeping a photo in his pocket of the sweetheart he will marry when this madness is over. 

Stephen Malley of Crewe looks at the photo of his one true love Francesca Johnson, who he has been courting for two years, during his breaks and promises he will come back to her one day.

He said: “Franny’s a swell gal and I know she’s still holding a torch for me over there in Market Drayton. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to go there and see her.

“She’s promised to wait. I knew what I was doing when I signed up. You don’t apply to be a part-time grocery associate if you’re not prepared to work through a global pandemic.

“When I’ve finished replenishing the Toilet Duck, sometimes I sit on the empty bog roll pallets out back, blow the harmonica, and think about Franny.

“Then I put that photo in the pocket over my heart, underneath the name badge where they spelled my name wrong. Then I go back out there and face the enemy.”

He added: “I’ve also got loads of photos of her on my phone, but they’re not safe for work in the least.”