THE owners of allotments have ordered the rest of Britain to bow down and give them nuff respect for their mad veg-cultivating skills.
All those in possession of patches of fertile growing land and the power to use it have demanded they replace actors, rappers and Love Island contestants as the new heroes of British youth.
Tom Booker, aged 54, said: “Laugh at my gardening kneepads again. I f**king dare you.
“There’s no laughter when I come out of my shed with armfuls of tasty, nutritious swedes. Or when they see I’ve got carrots, potatoes, cabbages and garlic all on the go while they’re having to punch pensioners in the face for flour.”
“Everyone has always assumed I’m some mild-mannered fruit and veg man. Those motherf**kers are about to find out how wrong they were, as me and my harem enjoy ratatouille while they starve.”
Fellow allotment owner Bill McKay said: “People used to mock me for growing the largest marrows in five counties. That’s how twisted and debased the values of the old world were.
“Now, in this new world scythed clean of nonsense like marketing and TikTok, all the kids want to be like me and to learn at my feet. At last all is as it should be.”
