WANT to be brought a succulent Chinese meal, but don’t want to be the lazy fat bastard who outright suggests it? Follow these slow and careful steps to get your partner on board:
Sigh at the fridge
Open your humble refrigerator and stare fatalistically, as if you were gazing into the abyss rather than a handy receptacle of perishable meal ingredients. Exhale and shake your head, apparently oblivious of your other half watching. The seed is planted.
Talk about the weather
Ever the reliable disruptor of any activity, the British weather is also the driver of every British conversation. It can also explain why today, of all days, you must order food rather than cook. Too close to stand over a stove? Or too cold to force your fingers to chop garlic? Use both arguments.
Pretend that you would cook if your partner insisted
It’s not that you don’t want to cook, but you’ll take so long you fear it won’t be in time to satisfy their sad rumbly tum. It’s only them you’re thinking of when considering other solutions. If they care about you they’ll do the same.
Document all prior healthy choices
Balance is essential in all parts of life. Therefore, do mention that you went to the gym on Sunday and ate a salad last week, or last month, as justification for your need for a greasy meal right now. And you didn’t pick the lettuce off yesterday’s burger. Your gut is crying out for salt and MSG.
Unrelatedly, you’ve had a hard day
You had to do your job, and talk to other people. You probably had to walk somewhere, or stare at a laptop screen. All of these innumerable injustices surely mean you deserve – nay, are fully entitled to – the speedy cuisine of your choice.
Consider the economy
Making a gainful living is hard in this day and age. Restaurants need customers more than ever, and the Deliveroo cyclist collecting your kebab in torrential rain is probably thrilled to have the work. By ordering in, you are in fact supporting local businesses and being a virtuous person.
Give in
The most subtle part of the whole dance is for each partner to surrender to their opposite’s unstated desire for a takeaway as an act of kindness and love, while never admitting that desire is their own. Couples who have been together more than a decade can do this wordlessly. Then they eat in silence.
