How to pretend to enjoy eating outdoors in London

PARTS of central London are to be transformed into European-style outdoor dining areas. Here’s how to deal with rain, pigeons and drunk passers-by.

Wear thermal underwear

However much those moules-frites make you feel like you’re in Provence, you’re not. You’ll feel nippy after you’ve been sitting outside for five minutes, so try and wear an outfit that can accommodate several bulky layers of thermals underneath.

Take an umbrella

It’s the UK, so it’s bound to start pissing down the second you start on your bacon-wrapped scallops. An umbrella is multifunctional, however, and can also be used to protect you from bird shit and to fend off vicious, hungry seagulls.

Act like it’s not a f**king weird situation

Sitting at a table in the middle of a closed road, two metres away from your fellow diners and being served by a waiter wearing a medical mask is a very strange thing to be doing. However, you must pretend everything is completely normal rather than break down crying about how f**king weird 2020 is.

Bring some rat poison

Once London’s rodent population get wind of what’s going on you’ll be kicking them out from under the table as they attempt to scale your leg. Rat poison will also work on the pigeons that will attempt to land in your soup every three seconds.

Drink a lot

A beer jacket will not only keep you warm and stop you giving a shit about the drizzle on your carbonara, but will also give you enough Dutch courage to shout at the weird man muttering mad things who keeps trying to join your table.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government asked to save all theatre apart from Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals

THEATRE lovers would like the government to step in and save the performing arts sector apart from crap like Cats.

Audiences, actors and directors have asked Rishi Sunak to bail out the industry, but said he should shut down all the shit stuff forever while he has the opportunity.

Theatre critic Oliver O’Connor said: “British theatre is on the brink of ruin, so we’d like the government to step in and save the bits that don’t have a horrible song stuffed in every five minutes for no reason.

“You can get rid of singing cats, singing Jesus, singing ghosts and singing Argentine political leaders. Basically anything that sings that shouldn’t ever sing.

“We just want productions that we can describe as ‘fresh’ and ‘challenging’, like Shakespeare done in tracksuits or Harold Pinter performed in a mortuary.

“Because you’re not meant to actually enjoy the theatre. It’s just something you endure to make other people think you’re intelligent.”