Friday, 30th October 2020

How to pretend to enjoy eating outdoors in London

PARTS of central London are to be transformed into European-style outdoor dining areas. Here’s how to deal with rain, pigeons and drunk passers-by.

Wear thermal underwear

However much those moules-frites make you feel like you’re in Provence, you’re not. You’ll feel nippy after you’ve been sitting outside for five minutes, so try and wear an outfit that can accommodate several bulky layers of thermals underneath.

Take an umbrella

It’s the UK, so it’s bound to start pissing down the second you start on your bacon-wrapped scallops. An umbrella is multifunctional, however, and can also be used to protect you from bird shit and to fend off vicious, hungry seagulls.

Act like it’s not a f**king weird situation

Sitting at a table in the middle of a closed road, two metres away from your fellow diners and being served by a waiter wearing a medical mask is a very strange thing to be doing. However, you must pretend everything is completely normal rather than break down crying about how f**king weird 2020 is.

Bring some rat poison

Once London’s rodent population get wind of what’s going on you’ll be kicking them out from under the table as they attempt to scale your leg. Rat poison will also work on the pigeons that will attempt to land in your soup every three seconds.

Drink a lot

A beer jacket will not only keep you warm and stop you giving a shit about the drizzle on your carbonara, but will also give you enough Dutch courage to shout at the weird man muttering mad things who keeps trying to join your table.