If you don't buy my milk they will kill me, cow tells vegans

A DAIRY cow has explained to anyone doing Veganuary that if there ceases to be a market for its milk it will cease to live. 

Cow Carolyn Ryan, aged three, conceded that while vegans criticising her working conditions do have a point, they remain better than the alternative.

She continued: “Do I want to produce six to seven gallons of milk a day? Not especially. If it’s that or die? Milk away.

“Admittedly I’m none too bright, being a cow, but I can’t see a third way out of this. It’s milk or beef. There’s no heifer retirement home.

“And while you can give up being vegan in February there’s no way back for me. I can’t walk back into my old job once they need milk again. That door will be very much closed.

“So pat on the back for you and your lifestyle change, and giving up milk, and cheese, and butter, and all the other reasons I’m still alive, but don’t expect me to be that pleased about it.

“You haven’t given me a thought, have you? This is all so you’ve got something to brag about at the gym. You selfish fucking bastard.”

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Did you get through the weekend without drinking? No - or No, but for really solid reasons?

Did you get drunk at the weekend, or did you get drunk but the reasons why are excellent? Find out below:

Did you manage to get through Friday without drinking?

A) I managed the ‘day’ part, as in ‘Fri-day’. As in I didn’t have any until it was dark. Ish.

B) No, but, and this is the amazing thing, so I was totally planning on doing Dry January and stuff but then I bumped into Mark Stampton. We went to school together, but I’ve not seen him in 20 years! And anyway…

How many did you have?

A) Lost track. But apparently I pissed in the garden when I had trouble unlocking the door.

B) …so then it turns out he’s into the Foo Fighters as well and we’d actually been about 12 feet from each other at Glastonbury, so we went for a bite to eat and the pub was nearest, and then…

How will you make up for it? 

A) By definitely not drinking for the rest of January, whenever that is. Almost over isn’t it?

B) …and this bloke who bought us the whiskies is Ian Rankin, that Scottish writer who wrote the books about the Scottish detective who drinks, and he needs two people to come with him to…

So you’re back on the wagon? 

A) Absolutely. Unless I forget, or feel like a drink, or get bored.

B) …the bouncer explains you actually have to buy champagne in the champagne room, and for the girls too! So Ian, who’s a fucking legend, and Stampy come up with this plan…


Mostly A’s – Well done! You made it to the weekend without drinking but then fell at the first hurdle. Better than last year!

Mostly B’s – …try to open the window and it won’t, and that’s when I realise we’re on a ferry, the lads are gone, and both the girls are in bed with me. Then my mobile goes and it’s East Kilbride Dave asking when I’m picking up this coke…