Kids' menu looking pretty f**king tempting in wanky gastropub

ADULTS have been enviously eyeing the straightforward and tasty children’s menu in a London gastropub, it has emerged.

The grown-up menu at the Hoop and Wheelmaker pub in Hampstead includes unappealing items such as buttered kale casserole, plus simply incomprehensible ones like ‘lamb minarets’.

By contrast, the children’s menu contains classic dishes such as fish fingers, chips and beans, beef burger, chips and beans, and sausages, chips and beans.

Adult Tom Booker said: “That’s proper, actual food. But apparently it’s only available to the under-12s and I have to pay £15 for a cauliflower steak. I mean, fuck off with that.

“Also my kids ordered in 30 seconds, whereas I had to pretend I understood the pretentious menu. What are ‘hand-roasted tomatoes’ anyway?”

Fellow customer Donna Sheridan said: “I had to have a manky sourdough ciabatta while my children were tucking into burgers and potato waffles. It’s so unfair I almost had a tantrum.

“My friend Helen had the cunning idea of ordering two kiddy-sized portions of fish fingers, chips and peas, but the bastards are wise to that and they took the children’s menus away.”

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The gammon's guide to panic buying for Brexit

YOU may have voted for Brexit, but that’s no reason not to stock up on vital supplies. Here’s what every gammon should be buying.

All the toilet paper

Wiping your arse without bog paper is horrific, so buy as much as will fit in your car. This will cause shortages, but you will get to shaft other people. Result.

Home entertainment in case everything shuts down

We suggest plenty of World War 2 films (or just Where Eagles Dare) and a dart board to affix Michel Barnier’s face to. He’s the Frenchman who caused this.

All-day breakfast in a tin (three months’ supply)

Fresh bacon and mushrooms won’t keep long, but luckily you can get a full English breakfast in a tin. The weird pig-sphincter ‘bacon’ and lumps of congealed egg are fucking revolting, but you knew exactly what you were voting for and you love it.


A strange choice for a gammon, right? WRONG. Stick a load in the freezer and sell them to millennials for £150 each.  From reading the Mail, Express and Telegraph you know that snowflakes are not just weak, they’re stupid too.

Calming music

Being furious about Brexit since 2016 will have taken a toll on your brain and you’re going to need to chill out from the added stress of no-deal. Try pan pipes or something New Agey. But not Enya. She’s Irish, the treacherous EU cow.


Either eat them, or leave them by a radiator so they grow into chickens, thus ensuring an infinite supply of eggs and chickens. Experts will tell you this won’t work, which means that it will.