Local chippy offering Klarna

YOUR local chip shop is now offering customers the chance to pay for their fish supper in interest-free instalments, it has confirmed. 

Rampton Fish Bar has announced that it is taking payments via Klarna so regulars can spread the now-exorbitant cost of fish, chips and curry sauce across three months.

Owner Sue Traherne said: “We’ve had to raise prices. What with energy costs, the rising price of sunflower oil and Putin shutting vinegar pipelines, there was no choice.

“But we still want to be there for our regulars, so we’re offering easy credit terms. Whether you want chips, gravy, sausage, mushy peas or a buttered barm, you don’t have to pay now. And no pick-up cost as long as you spend more than £25.

“Payments taken over 90 days. Available to over-18s only. Younger customers should still bring a fistful of sweaty banknotes from their dad.”

Nathan Muir said: “The sensible thing would be to only order what I could afford, but what the f**k. I threw onion rings and a pie in there to stimulate the economy. I’m sure I’ll have enough money for the final payment at the beginning of January.”

But Wayne Hayes disagreed: “It might be interest-free, but you’re still paying full retail. I’ve taken out a subscription at Kebabylon. £18.99 a month covers me every drunken Friday.”

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Seven poncey Halloween costumes for middle-class neighbourhoods

THE middle-classes are using Halloween to be creative and witty now they can’t do it with signs on Brexit marches. Hatfuls of bellends will dress kids in these: 

Zombie Sally Rooney

It’s literary criticism in costume! Implying writers are household names around your kitchen island elevates you to the top of the twat pile. Claim Poppy came up with the costume herself, when she didn’t even read the book and bought her coursework online.

The door of 10 Downing Street but it’s a revolving door

Oh ho! This one will tickle a few funny bones outside the electric gates! A topical reference that doesn’t necessarily say you didn’t vote for them so avoids awkward conversations at school drop-off. May blow smaller children into roads if it’s windy.

A damaged Aga

Open up one of the to-scale doors and look inside – it’s a uncooked homemade moussaka. Real, gritty, tragic; nothing terrifies like a broken-down Aga. It heats the kitchen! You wouldn’t understand! They’re f**king thousands to fix!


While the uncultured will squint and silently mouth ‘quiche?’ those who know, know. Everyone’s rocking elevenses. Forget ghastly American ‘brunch’ and bathe in the Barbour-clad warmth of mid-morning snobbery. Who cares if your kid wanted to be a skeleton?

Donald Trump’s tax returns

He’s not been president for two years. Nobody cares anymore. But Scott down the close can’t let it go, not after the ‘covfefe’ costume was such a hit five years ago, so he’s still chasing the satirical high through his son. Everyone will pretend to get it.

A carob bean

No chocolate please – I’m afraid the whole family, both medically and ethically, are committed arseholes.

A vampire Range Rover

On one hand a witty update of Stephen King’s Christine, on the other a vicious portrayal of the damage oil is doing to our planet. ‘Sucking it dry!’ you announce on every doorstep, while the 13-year-old you forced to wear this costume forbears to mention the Merc you drove until two years ago.