Make them gluten free, and other ways to f**k up Pancake Day

SUGAR, lemon and basic batter is all that’s needed for the perfect pancake. However, some people love to f**k around trying to be clever about it. Here are the worse ways to mess up Pancake Day.

Insist on a savoury course

Middle class parents who think their children will get scurvy if they eat one meal without a vegetable in it will insist on starting with a savoury course. That garlic mushroom stuffed monstrosity will make your kids too full to enjoy the nice ones, and therefore pissed off with you.

Attempt to make American-style pancakes

A fat stack of pancakes drenched in maple syrup sounds good but will make your stomach and teeth hurt after three mouthfuls. It’s not worth the hassle and somehow will never as good as seventeen flimsy, badly tossed and undercooked British ones.

Think you can make crêpes

Whilst American ones are too fat, the French style of pancake is some kind of wafer thin bullshit that is impossible to successfully make without a special pan and a huge amount of patience. However, you should steal the idea of smothering your pancakes in Nutella, because it’s delicious.

Let the kids help

What can go wrong if you decide to leave your children alone in the kitchen with a dozen eggs, a big bottle of milk and a very hot frying pan? Loads of stuff, so make sure you’ve got 999 on speed dial.

Make them gluten free

If you want to really balls up Pancake Day, tell your loved ones that you’ve suddenly discovered a gluten intolerance. They’ll hate grimly eating their way through a stack of grey, chewy discs made of chickpea flour, which you won’t allow them to put sugar on just for the fun of torturing them even further.

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Anne Robinson already preparing sarcastic bollocks for Countdown

ANNE Robinson is enthusiastically preparing snide put-downs based on word puzzles and maths problems after being confirmed as the new host of Countdown.

The former Weakest Link presenter already has more than 400 barbed comments planned, ranging from suggesting contestants are mentally subnormal to criticising their jumpers.

Robinson said: “I’ll be using my trademark Wildean wit honed by years of The Weakest Link. If someone gets an ‘S’, I’ll quickly chip in with something like ‘Yes, S for ‘stupid’.

“Then when one of them loses the numbers game I’ll slyly say ‘Steve, or whatever, do you have difficulty counting your own toes?’. It’s going to be hilarious, if you have my sense of humour.

“I might even tamper with Rachel Riley’s letters, so that the only words they can spell are ‘moron’, ‘wanker’ or ‘shitbrains’, then launch the devastating quip “That’s what you are!’.

“The Countdown lot are usually nerds, so expect no mercy with crap clothes and haircuts. ‘Who cut your hair?’ I’ll say. ‘Your mum who you still live with using a pudding bowl?’, even if the victim is clearly a well-groomed, highly-paid, late-40s IT consultant.”