Monday, 8th March 2021

The Tory backbencher's batshit plan for ending lockdown right now

TORY MPs have written to the PM demanding a swift end to lockdown. Here weird backbencher Denys Finch Hatton explains how we should be throwing caution to the wind.

Free drinks in the most packed pubs

Let’s get our fine English pubs thriving again. We can scrap those annoying drink-driving laws while we’re at it. Not being allowed to operate a car while shitfaced goes against my libertarian instincts and has got me banned several times over the years. Terribly inconvenient.

Make people lick each other 

I read a thing on the internet about herd immunity, and I now realise we need to get there as quickly as possible. Teachers could lick pupils, customers could lick Amazon drivers, I could lick young Tory party researchers. It’s the only way to beat the virus.

Trust people with ‘unconventional’ views

I’m referring to knowledgeable Covid sceptics like myself. I haven’t got the virus, so it’s obviously all just in people’s minds. My immunity has nothing to do with spending the last year in my secluded country mansion attending the Commons by Zoom and getting all my food from Waitrose deliveries.

Shut down the NHS

I wish people could see the obvious reason why so many have died – the NHS is a failed socialist project. American-style health insurance would have Covid vanquished by now, with a tidy profit to boot.

Stop pandering to cowardly office workers

These spineless malingerers need to stop worrying about being put in close proximity to each other for eight hours a day. This view is wholly unconnected to my large investment in commercial property rentals.

Step up the ‘war on woke’

The real threat facing Britain in 2021 is this Marxist-Stalinist ‘wokeness’. Let’s spend millions on statues of Spitfires and keep the elderly Tory voters in my constituency happy.