Man who thought he could buy dinner at local corner shop being proved very wrong

A MAN who popped into his local corner shop looking for fresh, nutritious food is realising what a f**king stupid idea it was.

Jack Browne needed something for dinner and was convinced the Nisa Local near his house would have an excellent selection of produce that was not just cheap booze and tins of marrowfat peas way past their sell-by date.

Browne said: “It says ‘groceries’ on the window outside, so I didn’t think it was outlandish to imagine I’d be able to buy a nice loaf of bread, a few vegetables and a drinkable bottle of wine. How wrong I was.

“Is it possible to make an edible meal out of Super Noodles, two litres of White Lightning and a jar of jam? Because that’s all I’ve got to work with here.

“I suppose I could add some Nik Naks to spaghetti hoops to make spicy pasta. I’m sure they eat it in Italy all the time.

“For dessert I could potentially do something with 700 penny sweets and a cake that looks like it’s made of plastic. Ooh, look! Evaporated milk. I thought that died out around the same time as my grandma.

“Also, why is everything so expensive? I might as well go to Waitrose. I won’t though. I’ll buy a six-pack of Grolsch and have that for my tea instead.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to survive a date with someone who doesn't get pop culture references

IT’S unusual, but you do meet people who’ve somehow bypassed every bit of pop culture from Star Wars to Pharrell. Here’s what to do if you’re on a date with one.

Don’t take their blank expression personally

As they stare uncomprehendingly at you trying to explain Die Hard it’s easy to take it as criticism. Don’t worry, it’s not. They don’t think you’re an idiot for knowing about action movies. They think you’re sad, immature and not the sort of person they’d ever consider sleeping with.

Do not incorporate your food

Sticking a pulled-off king prawn head on your index finger and exclaiming ‘Fingermouse!’ will just make them think you’re mentally ill. As will the bread roll dance from Benny & Joon, but not having seen that is hardly a deal-breaker for a relationship.

Be prepared to sound like a child

For example, Guardians of the Galaxy is a perfectly acceptable film for adults, but you’re digging yourself a hole if you try to explain it from scratch. There’s just no way to say ‘There’s Star-Lord and Rocket Raccoon, he’s a talking raccoon, and they’re space travellers, and there’s Gamora, she’s the green alien on the posters…’ without sounding about eight years old. This is not very attractive to adults, unless you’ve been incredibly unlucky with your date.

Avoid amusing (to you) quotes

Don’t say something like ‘Yeah, I used to live in Streatham – a wretched hive of scum and villainy!’ because they’ll give a depressingly literal response, eg. ‘It can’t be that bad.’ The curious thing is they wont ask why you’re talking like a 17th century pirate.

Home in on their hobbies

The reason people don’t watch films or TV is often because they’re mad keen on outdoorsy hobbies like mountain biking or yachting. As soon as you identify this interest, ask lots of questions about. Not because it’s interesting but because you need a mental rest after trying to describe Kurt Cobain and the entire grunge movement while eating sticky ribs.

Be very patient

You might think you’ve done a great job of summarising bullshit ancient alien theories because your date asked about it. And you thoughtfully did it in less than a minute so they wouldn’t get bored, while still managing to reference Von Danïken and Ancient Aliens. Then they ask: ‘So is this a film?’ Resist the urge to scream, take a deep breath and patiently go back to the beginning. Well, the pyramids anyway.

Make a tough decision about sex

You’d assumed the date was going badly, but you’d forgotten your potential partner has dysfunctional conversations about pop culture with everyone they meet. So when, to your surprise, sex and romance are on the cards, you’ve got a difficult question to ask yourself: can you face a relationship with someone it will take 15 hours to explain an episode of The Simpsons to?