Metropolitan daughter terrorising rural family with panettone and stollen

A METROPOLITAN daughter is terrorising her rural family by introducing them to continental Christmas food such as pannetone and stollen.

Lucy Parry, 26, arrived back at her family home last week with a selection of dry, international goods that have been received with suspicion and mistrust.

Father Roy Parry said: “Stollen? Is that the one that’s made of dry fruit and dry bread and dry icing sugar? Not a brilliant combo, that.

“I’ve forced a couple of pieces down so as not to seem like I’m being funny about it, but I feel like I’ve had a mouthful of sandpaper wrapped around marzipan.”

His wife Sheila Hollis was similarly unsettled by the authentic panettone from Italy, especially when she was instructed to spread butter on it.

She said: “I went to get the icing out because I thought they’d forgotten to do it in the shop, but apparently that’s how it’s supposed to be. And buttering a slice of cake? Madness. I’m glad we’ve left Europe.”

After an afternoon of culinary awkwardness, the family have now gone back to living entirely off Celebrations, Quality Street and mince pies.

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Five great Christmas activities to ruin with a hangover

CHRISTMAS is full of fun activities, but also many opportunities to get extremely pissed. Here are some things to turn into a gruelling nightmare with a bad hangover.

A pleasant walk

Turn a stroll into an exhausting route march by drinking way too much the night before. Your system should be so knackered that every step feels like you’re wearing diving boots, and you’ll be ridiculously paranoid about passing out and ending up in A&E at this most magical time of year.

Christmas dinner

A slap-up roast dinner with all the trimmings is not only delicious but also the focal point of Christmas. Ruin this special event by feeling so nauseous all you can do is gingerly nibble at a boiled carrot while hoping everyone will somehow not notice your untouched food and obvious drink problem.

A harmless visit

You should be in an advanced state of paranoia, so that a visit from nice Auntie Jackie feels like the Gestapo have got some questions for you. Your addled brain should be going: “Why is she asking whether I’m dating at the moment? Has she guessed I’m a sexual failure who may die alone? And what does she MEAN by ‘How’s work?'”

Opening your presents

Normally an enjoyable moment, but not if all that wine, Baileys and whisky have left you in a state of suicidal existential depression. Yes, you may have been given a massive box of Thorntons, but everything in life is transient and one day everyone you love will be dead and rotted to dust, even the Elf on the Shelf.

A family Skype call

Surely you can handle a remote chat, even with a nasty hangover? Not if you’re horribly self-conscious about the sweat pouring off you and struggling to ride the waves of nausea which could cause you to virtually barf all over your cousin and her kids at any second.