Middle class parents horribly smug about their kid liking olives

A MIDDLE class mum and dad are nauseatingly proud of the fact that their two-year-old likes the taste of olives.

Nathan and Sally Muir were beside themselves with joy when their toddler Oscar cheerfully ate a handful of Waitrose Finest.

Sally said: “It was such a proud mummy moment! He was munching on those pimento-stuffed Kalamatas the way lesser children eat Haribo.

“I don’t know any other child who would willingly eat an olive but I think it’s because Oscar is very advanced for his age. His first words were ‘wood burning stove’, bless him.

“And it’s not just olives. I am certain he only watches Octonauts because the squid look so delicious.”

Proud father Nathan said: “I think we can safely say a place at Oxbridge is in the bag.”

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Your guide to creating a b*llocks Brexit slogan

NEED to convince people to vote for your terrible Brexit deal? Get them on board with a deeply patronising slogan. Here’s how.

Refer to domestic appliances

Leaving a trading bloc and negotiating treaties is too abstract for the man on the street. Make Brexit more relatable by saying it’s ‘oven ready’ and just needs ‘slamming in the microwave’. The plebs love microwave swill and they won’t understand ‘slam it in the Aga’.

Keep those war references coming

Certain voters have a limitless appetite for WW2, so there’s still mileage in mentioning D-Day. Just hope everyone else doesn’t finally snap and scream “Shut the f*ck up about the war!”. And our future trading partners in Berlin don’t mind constant tasteless references to the darkest period in their history. 

Talk about its consistency

Since nobody actually knows what Brexit is, you can say it’s hard or soft or turbo-charged or throbbing or whatever you like. If your plan is largely non-existent, distract attention by saying something pretentious and Etonian-sounding, such as comparing it to a non-Newtonian liquid. 

Try to sound tough and fail

Say you’ll “die in a ditch” in your determination to get Brexit done. Forget that you are Boris Johnson and most people have realised you are an utter windbag who can’t be trusted to make a slice of toast.

Just say any old b*llocks

Nobody’s really listening at this point so you can get away with pretty much anything. Maybe go freeform and just say ‘Brexit’ eight times in a row until it finally loses all meaning. Unlike the future of the UK, the possibilities are endless.