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Middle class wives and other things eastern European migrants are obviously not eating

ROYAL Parks have debunked Farage’s claim that eastern Europeans are eating swans. For the avoidance of doubt, neither are they snacking on these:

Middle class wives

The Baltic states are home to a rich variety of culinary delights, such as kugelis, cepeliani potato dumplings and beet soup. None of these recipes call for prime cuts of women in their mid-50s from the Cotswolds to be slow cooked in the oven for 13 hours. So when the Mail inevitably starts reporting this in a couple of months, ignore it.

The King

His fingers may look plump and succulent, but the King has little dietary appeal to eastern Europeans. Not only is he difficult to source, his 75-year-old flesh is likely tasteless and stringy. Plus there’s the whole chore of having to pick the edible bits of his carcass apart from his bones and crown. Also, most importantly of all, migrants are not cannibals. Maybe write that down so you don’t forget.

Big Ben

Of course migrants aren’t going to eat Big Ben, but not because hordes of Unite the Kingdom protestors have deterred them from devouring the proud London landmark. It’s more to do with the fact that it’s an iron bell housed in a tower made of bricks and limestone, which human organs tend to have difficulty digesting.

The NHS

Eastern Europeans tend to enjoy eating meaty, smoky food, along with plenty of comforting breads and pastries for good measure. The NHS would be far too abstract for their refined palettes, and they’d end up pushing a waiting list around their plate before discreetly throwing it in the bin when nobody’s looking. That won’t stop Farage from weaponising their lack of gratitude, though.

You

The thought of eastern Europeans eating swans was merely an appetiser to get your paranoia worked up. Farage eventually wants to terrify you into voting for Reform UK by making you think they’re coming for you next like the bogeyman. This is not the case. Like you, they will opt for a Greggs sausage roll or a Boots meal deal while getting confused about what is and isn’t included.

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Brian Eno, and other chancers who masquerade as experimental geniuses

IF you don’t ‘get’ an artist, it’s not because they’re too clever for you but because, like these guys, they’re purveyors of pseudo-intellectual bollocks: 

Brian Eno

A man who cleverly hides his ineptitude in plain sight by describing himself as a non-musician. Eno nevertheless became one of the world’s most sought-after record producers despite only really being able to add bloops and bleeps to tracks. He also became renowned for his oblique strategies: try ‘getting your neck massaged’ the next time you’re writing a project initiation document and see how well it goes down with your boss.

David Lynch

A body of work full of hidden meaning which rewards repeat viewings? Or a bunch of badly edited films which don’t stand up to serious scrutiny? Lynch’s true genius was in refusing to talk about his work. By cultivating an air of mystery, he could keep pretending he wasn’t just churning out a load of random bollocks.

William Burroughs

Was he challenging traditional narrative structures or did he just not know how to write a decent novel? The Naked Lunch is a nonsensical montage of surrealistic imagery, lapped up by people who think drugs lead to genuine insight. Burroughs’ stream of consciousness brain vomit was not only unreadable, it also inspired the band Steely Dan, making it the most heinous of all books.

Damien Hirst

Hirst claims to walk a tightrope between the profound and the mundane but falls very much into the latter category. Whether he’s cutting animals in half or making giant versions of kids’ toys, his work is always reliably pointless. Incredibly, this so-called artist is now worth hundreds of millions, proving that the one per cent have too much money and not enough brain cells.

Jackson Pollock

You can get away with being abstract. You can get away with being expressionist. However, you don’t need to be a complete philistine to realise that stringing them together as Abstract Expressionist is simply a fancy way of saying ‘crap’. Critics may have praised the immediacy of Pollock’s ‘action painting’ but surely a similar effect could have been achieved by giving two monkeys a tin of paint and some brushes.

John Cage

The art world’s ultimate chancer. Cage probably couldn’t believe it when his piece 4′ 33” became world famous. Consisting of pure silence, supposedly in order to force the audience to listen to the surrounding environment, this ‘composition’ is a phenomenal example of trying your luck and getting away with it.

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