Mince pie, Chocolate Orange, Twiglets: Your post-Christmas leftovers five-a-day

BEFORE now and New Year, nothing healthier than the dubiously fruity insides of a mince pie will pass your lips. Here are your new five-a-day:

Turkey sandwich

You were sick of turkey by 3pm on Christmas Day, but because your mum insisted on buying a 12lb bird to feed a family of four, one of whom is a vegetarian, you’ve got to have the leftovers in at least one sandwich a day for the next week. And if you refuse, your relatives will insist that you are personally spitting on every starving child around the world.

Chocolate Orange

The nearest you’ll get to any vitamins for the next few days, and that’s purely because it has the word ‘orange’ in the name. It’s also the closest you’ll get to any physical exercise, as it will take some hefty whacks on the edge of a table to crack it open.

Mince pie

While mince pies may contain some dried fruit, it has been so thoroughly rinsed in sugar syrup that any goodness it once contained is long gone. You could try convincing yourself that having a fancy one with frangipane in is essentially like eating a handful of almonds, but you’d be wrong and might as well just chomp your way through a tablespoonful of sugar instead.

Roast potatoes

Despite your dad thinking everyone would eat at least ten potatoes during Christmas lunch, you only managed two and there are approximately 90 leftover. They’ve been reheated at least four times but you’re still gamely shoving a couple down at each subsequent meal, even breakfast. Yes, they’re a vegetable, but still not one of your five-a-day, even at Christmas.


Twigs grow on trees, just like apples, which means Twiglets are a healthy, natural option, right? Sadly, by this stage your brain has been almost completely destroyed by booze and mindless Christmas films, and you have forgotten that a Twiglet is not an actual stick but a starchy, Marmite-flavoured snack. It’s time to go back to work.

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Granddad declares Christmas ruined because you haven't warmed the plates

EVERY effort you have made for Christmas has been entirely wasted because you forgot to warm the plates, your grandfather has confirmed. 

From tidying up to stocking the liquor cabinet, from buying a turkey to decorating a tree, none of it means a thing now you have neglected to adequately warm plates before serving dinner.

The elderly man, who really hoped he would enjoy this Christmas, said: “Why? For God’s sake, why?

“Such a tiny thing. You know how important it is to me. You know that a hot meal on a cold plate’s lukewarm before it even reaches the table. But you didn’t do it.

“It has to be deliberate. You couldn’t have slapped me in the face like this, serving up food that’s inedible, just as an oversight. You’ve done this to hurt me and well done, you’ve succeeded. This is how I’ll remember this Christmas. As an insult.

“No, I can’t eat any of it. It’s freezing cold! Are you trying to kill me? Is that what you want? Come on, Mavis, we’re not staying here. Get your coat. I hope you’ll at least have the decency to drive us the 75 miles home.”

He added: “And open a bloody window. It’s so stuffy in here I can hardly breathe.”