'My main job is blocking the road' admits Ocado driver

AN OCADO delivery driver has admitted that his job is largely to obstruct residential streets for indefinite periods. 

Tom Booker, speaking from his 3.5 tonne box van in the middle of a suburban close in front of several homeowners desperate to get out, confirmed that delivering groceries is a mere excuse for his key role.

He continued: “We trick people by offering easy, simple home delivery then load a paltry few crates into a massive van far too big for the road we’re visiting.

“Then we park across the road and pavement in order to inconvenience both drivers and pedestrians, but it’s fine because we leave our hazards on.

“Of course we know full well we’ll be at least ten minutes. The plastic bag ban’s really helped us in that regard, and substituting a box of fish fingers for a six-pound sea bass guarantees a fairly solid row.

Ocado chief executive Julian Cook said: “Our loss-making home delivery service was founded to stop people just trying to get around their own neighbourhood.

“The fact that people also pay us for the food we deliver is neither here or there.”

Saturday girl in Topshop directly responsible for company policies and welcomes your feedback

THE teenage girl working in Topshop today is in direct in contact with the CEO and will pass on all your thoughts on how the retailer should be operated, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis, aged 19, of Topshop in Leamington Spa has almost complete control over which lines are stocked, which sizes are available and pricing so is the ideal person to approach with any issues.

She said: “I was scanning and folding a customer’s purchases when she upbraided me on our ‘unflattering’ summer lines and yes, she had definitely come to the right person on that.

“She also said that our Coventry branch had more choice, and that this one needed more people on the till as she’d been queueing for four minutes. Again, two issues well within my remit.

“My next customer tried to negotiate a discount on a T-shirt because of a make-up stain, and of course all part-time Topshop staff are expected to involve themselves in haggling. It’s just part of the job.

“Finally, I was told I should be ashamed that our white denim skirt wasn’t available in a size 20, and I agreed that I certainly should be as I was personally responsible for that decision. Received and understood.

“I’m going to have a lot to tell Sir Phillip Green about in our next meeting. Oh wait, that won’t happen because he doesn’t know who the fuck I am and doesn’t care.”