Nutella found in every area of child and house

EVERY area of both a child and the house he lives in has been found to be covered in Nutella, his parents have confirmed.

Four-year-old Oliver O’Connor has liberally smeared the sweet and sticky hazelnut spread on all surfaces of his home and body, including his own head, the cat and inside the DVD player.

Oliver’s mum Sophie said: “Have you ever found chocolate spread coming from a child’s nostrils? Coating his inner ear? I have. I even found some between his toes even though he was wearing socks the whole time. Explain that.

“The house hasn’t fared any better. I think I’ve cleaned it all, and then I find a whole new patch somewhere weird like on top of the fridge or in a closed and locked drawer.

“I once read that after you kill a man, no matter how hard you scrub, the blood will never come off your hands. Turns out it’s exactly the same with Nutella. If not worse.”

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The sexist man's guide to not looking sexist

IN this day and age sexism is simply not acceptable. But don’t worry – here male chauvinist pig Wayne Hayes explains how not to look sexist.

Bang on about loving your mum

Frequently refer to your mum and what a great job she did bringing you up. If you’re respectful to the one woman who gave birth to you, you can be an idiot to the rest of them, right? And no one who loves their mum could possibly be a bad person. Apart from the Krays.

Always give yourself an ‘out’

If you’ve antagonised someone – perhaps you’ve gloated to a female colleague about how much more than them you earn – do some quick back-pedalling. I’ve memorised a couple of women-friendly topics I can bring up at the drop of a hat: how inspirational Michelle Obama is, or my love of the art of Frida Kahlo. You know, the feminist bird with the eyebrows. 

Wolf whistle at everyone

Cleverly avoid accusations that your wolf whistling or catcalling is ‘sexist’ by simply doing it to everyone. The next time you see a friendly postman tell him you’d ‘love to deliver something in his letter box’. Alternatively whistle and make kissy noises at a scaffolder, or say to a middle-aged male jogger ‘nice legs, what time do they open?’. Then your sexist behaviour is ‘just what you do’. Works a treat, apart from getting punched on a regular basis.

Pretend to be gay

This is a bit extreme, but if you’ve said something out of order, pretend it’s a hilariously bitchy comment. Women love it because they saw it on Sex and the City once and you doing it to them in person confuses their much smaller brains. Obviously it’s an offensive stereotype about gay men too, but in a way you’re being inclusive.

Plead ignorance

In 2021 the names ‘darling, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’ are verboten, even really complimentary one like ‘sugar tits’. So simply plead ignorance: “I had no idea… won’t happen again”. If your job has a high turnover of staff you can get away with this for years. Although if it doesn’t you will get fired, as I have been 23 times.